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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Mascots are supposed to equal Family fun. Then why does the Reds mascot scare kids like the Reds scare the Brewers

Yeah let that run in your dreams for a few weeks. This mascot is utterly frightening with its coke snorting eyes, his serial killer at the public bathroom smile , and a championship quality mustache. Whomever created this costume obviously thought " Hmm how can I take a harmless mascot and just make him seem surprised and happy to be at the park ? SNIFFFFFFFFF. OH YEAH I GOT IT , I need lots and lots of black felt so I can make a 3 foot mustache! I Cant feel my eyes !!!" thats is a true story. Mr. Red I think thats its name looks like When Mel Gibson made that spoof trailer for Jimmy Kimmel. The Reds have 3 mascots. 3 fucking mascots. Why would a team need more then 2. Along with Mr. Red, there is Roise Red, and the Gapper which is the lamest rip of the Philly Phantic I have seen. Seriously Its eyes just stare in to your very soul and make you feel guilty that you never heard of WKRP in Cincinnati. You might want to ask your parents or grandparents about that.

The funny thing once the Reds changed their mascot to that guy the team became a contender and a thorn in Tony La Russa's ass. Last season after they were outplayed by the Philidildos ( Yes! Thats their new name ) in the first round of last years Nlds. What makes the Reds great is that they will fight anyone who crosses them. Joey Votto told Sports Illustrated that he hates the Cubs , Brandon Phillips starting a full on riot with Yadier Molina , and Jonny Gomes having his own ticker tape parade when news came out that Adam Wainwright is done for the year. They are the Major league embodiment of the Hooligans. Except for the winning part.
I am at a crossroad right now. I do want to write a compelling blog about how good the Reds are and all the talent they have. But I really want to talk about how creepy some mascots are. Coin toss heads mascots tails reds ... And the Toss. Heads it is. Lets talk about those 7 foot
tall nightmare creating, small children panic attack making,Lovable and huggable drunk person magnet, and possible sex offenders(kidding about the sex offender crack, I hope)

Doesn't this photo look like Bernie the Brewer is trying to pick you up in a bar called the Fuzzy secret. I guess mascots are good for baseball, games would be super boring if there wasn't some guy who was too good for clown college but kinda ugly to be a real actor dancing around to crappy top 40's pop songs in the middle of the 5th. If teams didn't have mascots they would be stuffy, uninteresting and hated just like the Yankees. Let us not forget how they Yankees did try the whole mascot thing but I guess George thought it would be better to buy out talent and deplete your minor league system for years to get over the hill players that can't put up the same numbers anymore ... Boom! Roasted!

Now that I got that out of the way let me clear up somethings that were said in the last post. Kansas City is starting out like a house on fire. They won again that make 3 times in extras this year. Kanas shitty is pretty clever. The Royals have been doing nothing but winning with cheap effective young talent. The same thing with the Pittsburg Pirates both teams are going to mess shit up for the older teams that think they run this shit. So watch out Yankees, Red Sox, Twins, and Houston Colt .45s. THe only reason I said the Houston Colt .45s is because its funny that its this cheap shit malt liquor now.

I also don't suck at fantasy sports, its comes easy to a genius like my self . But lets be real for a minute M.D got lucky to win the championship last year . He snuck in the playoffs on the last day because the guy he was matchup against hadn't checked his team since the all star break and the guy in second place in his division was on an impressive losing streak and was the worst fantasy owner in the game. Before i get ahead of my self and have a nerd spasm I am going to stop because we can go back and forth on who's the best at fantasy but its stupid for two reasons 1. It's not real baseball just a tabulation of stats that equals up to points on a week long match up , so its nothing we can do to help the team win, and 2. I am just awesomer then he is.

p.s- This is M.D's Preschool photo .Not really but I know he is kicking himself that it isn't him . I found this on I don't need to tell you how much good stuff they have.

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