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Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Was Every Baseball Analyst Ever Wrong About the Red Sox?

Blah Blah Blah, of you course you think the Red Sox suck, blah blah blah stop writing about just the Yankees, etc. etc. etc. Well this time folks, it is not just me who thinks the Red Sox might suck. After being predicted to get 100 wins, dominate the American League, go all the way to and win the World Series, the Red Sox are off to a Godawful start. I'm well aware that it's the very beginning of the season, and there is more than enough time to turn things around, but how embarrassing is it that the "Team to Beat" Red Sox are off to an 0-3 start? They got swept by the Texas Rangers, who might be the most over-hyped team in Major League Baseball, barely put up any offense, played terrible defense and allowed a bunch of recovering drug addict/straight edge kid/cokehead manager miscreants to wallop every pitch they threw at them. Carl Crawford, destined to be the catalyst for this Red Sox team has done nothing so far, and the Red Sox are currently paying their number 7 hitter around $20 million dollars a year. The Red Sox are already in 4th place in the AL East, hanging around the basement (just like yours truly) letting everyone's expectations go out the window while the fucking Baltimore Orioles sneak up into first place.
  If Mark Tiexiera continues hitting the way he has been since the start of the season, could he be an MVP? His biggest problem was the miserable April numbers he put up, but with 4 home runs already, is that behind him? If it is, look for this nerd to totally become an MVP candidate, with ridiculous home run/RBI totals and another Gold Glove. In other Yankee news, is anyone else tired of Michael Kay already? I'd prefer Keith Hernandez passing out after an all night coke binge. The Yankees easily have the worst broadcast teams (minus Paul O'Neill) in the history of radio or television. Of course I'd rather listen to Kay than Joe Buck or Tim McCarver, but the entire baseball-watching world feels that way.
    Bryan is totally right, what the fuck is up with the Kansas Shitty Royals (see what I did there?)? They're in legitimate first place in the AL Central, as legitimate as first place can be in the first week of April, but still first place. They lost Grienke, and as terrible as they've been since say, 1995, was exactly the way everyone expected them to continue. My hat is off to Bryan, who may suck at fantasy baseball, but did predict the Royals would do well. We both know it can't last.
      Same deal with the Padres. Who expected them to jump out to such a hot start? No one, that's who. They're first in the NL West, ahead of a bunch of teams people expected to be very strong, and a Giant's team that looks completely lost post World Series win.They took the series from a Cardinals team that should be dominating the Major Leagues, making Pujols look like he just signed a 25 year, $98 billion dollar contract, not like he's in a walk year, and all of this without team ace Matt Latos.
   I feel like this has been a bizarre Opening Week already, and it's not even over. Weird shit has been happening all over the Major Leagues, when was the last time you heard of a left fielder's appendix exploding? or a reversal of the standings the way they've been so far? The Orioles, Royals and Padres are all in first place in their divisions, it may be early, but its still really fucking wierd. Yeah, make sure you see that video, it'll change your life in the worst way possible.  

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