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Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Any Guy Who Starts a "U.S.A." Chant at the Bar This Weekend is Getting Laid, Garunteed.

   So just like everyone else mentioned, Osama Bin Laden totally got killed, so keep that in mind while you're at the bar this weekend, because starting a "U.S.A." chant will not only make you the most popular guy in the place but also get you laid, it's a lock. Anyhow, this is super great, and huge thank yous go out to anyone in the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines (and anything I forgot). However, even in the wake of  great news, the baseball world spins on, so here it goes.
    Cleveland Indians- Dominating the A.L. central, owners of a ridiculous W-L percentage, oh! they also have a drunk outfielder named Shin Soo Choo. Possibly the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Apparently Choo is driving along and 2:30 AM in a sweet white Escalade, when he sees a cop, gets nervous, and asks him to follow him home. Seriously? The cop then agrees to follow him home (clearly an Indians fan) to make sure he gets there OK. Then Choo starts swerving all over the road, forcing this cops hand. Choo failed a number of field sobriety tests, and according to reports had a BAC of .201. That's fucking impressive. Twice the legal limit, good for Shin Soo Choo that he was able to drink that much, I would too if I had recently found out I wasn't going to have to give up baseball to be part of the Korean military. Apparently six Major League ballplayers have been bagged for DUI so far this season, what the fuck is going on? I'm not complaining because it gives me something to write about almost weekly, but it seems like a high number, especially for only May 3rd. Does anyone have some stats on how many players get a DUI per season? I don't, google doesn't, so if you come across that shit, send it our way.
    Andre Ethier: Killing it right now. He's not quite breathing down DiMaggios' neck, but a 29 game hitting streak is a huge accomplishment, especially in a time where pitching seems to dominate over hitting. Ethiers' hit streak has been really really cool to watch go on, as he seems to be having a lot of fun with it. It seems to have spurred on the Dodgers a bit too, since they're now a .500 team, even battling against a financial failures, having to be run by someone who used to run the Texas Rangers, and having to be in a division where the San Francisco Giants are considered to be "good". Anyway, good for you Andre Ethier, there isn't a chance of you breaking DiMaggios' streak, but it's nice to watch anyways.
The Detroit Tigers have the ugliest named players in the history of Major League Baseball. Without question. Daniel Schlereth? Are you fucking kidding me? That sounds like the noise someone would make if they were sneezing blood. Al Albuquerque? I forgot that it's OK to sign Looney Tunes characters to Major League Contracts. Scherzer? Inge? Boesch? It gets worse and worse. The Detroit Tigers: 2011's worst named team, hands down.
    Hey guess what! We reached our pageviews goal, so we're throwing a goddamned motherfuckin party featuring all sorts of cool shit. Official and complete details will be here soon, and on our facebook page sometime later this week. So thanks to all of you with too much free time, we're super psyched over here today.

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