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Sunday, June 12, 2011

The First Guest post that isn't Mikey ? Look out Barstoolsports We're fucking coming for you !


Hey guys did you have a good weekend? Great I didn't but Ill get into that on twitter. My rage and unamusment with a lot of shit that can only be expressed in 140 characters . Either way let me get to the story at hand. So remember how when I was struggling for ideas at the start of May ? Well someone took me up on my offer. Tommy "The Big Cat"( I know wrong house hold pet but its still pretty funny) who plays first base for the Hooligans and is our resident mad man. He has some crazy fucking stories every and this is one of them. During one of our practices he launched into this rant. I could not stop laughing. So I asked Tommy to jot this fucking master work down. This is the Finished product. Enjoy...Ok I had some alignment issues but it works out well I think.

"

"Performance Enhancer"
What was really in Michael Jordan's "Secret Stuff"
The true story behind a Performance Enhancing Drug
by Tommy 'Big Cat' Mannion, #33

The chemical makeup of an athlete's internal workings are constantly under scrutiny In today's sports culture. There's always a pack of bureaucrats at some league office who make their living by knowing exactly what is in any given athlete's blood, urine, hair...or that other stuff that shows up under a black-light. Why do they need to invade countless athletes' personal freedoms to find this out? Three big bad words- Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Now don't get me wrong, the last thing any college student, Average Joe or weekend warrior needs is to show up to his game only to find some asshole jacked up on 'roids. If you're new to the whole sports thing, these jerkoffs are easy to spot- Just look for the biggest douchebag. And I literally mean BIGGEST. He won't have a neck and will abruptly display a pissy fight the world attitude (This is standard compensatory behavior for someone who's scrotum and brain have shrunk to the size of peanuts.) But as I was saying, these things are dangerous to juicer's health, the health of all other athletes on the field, the integrity of the games they play, and the secret white girlfriends that they slap around.
-coughBarrycough-

But steroids aren't the only substance that athletes are tested for. Numerous other supplements and drugs, both legal and illegal are tested for. It is only acceptable to test positive for certain substances after producing doctors' notes which notify the powers that be that "It's ok that Jimmy here is positive for opiate painkillers- he legitimately needs them and he paid the pharmaceutical industry their cut!" When an athlete tests positive for one of the many banned substances, they are punished on the grounds that said substance is a performance enhancer. Even if that substance is Marijuana.

Yeah, good ol' ganja is considered on paper to be a performance enhancing substance.

Robin Williams once did a bit about the idiocy of that particular standard. I laughed along when I heard it, because I agreed. Surely it makes music a hell of a lot better, but pot making you a better athlete? Give me a fucking break, no way.

Then one day at softball practice, I saw Jack play after a good burn session. The difference in his playing was significant. He was going all out balls-to-the-wall. His range was vastly improved as he turned into a human vacuum cleaner, snagging hits left, right, up, down and everywhere in between. After seeing this something dawned on me. A childhood memory came to mind, presenting itself in a new light bringing new understanding. I now recognized and appreciated the TRUE story behind a movie which shaped my life. A movie that forged the character of most late Generation Y's and early Millennials. A movie that had a substantial impact on any sentient being in the 1990's. I'm talking about Space Jam.

This is the true story of what was in "Michael's Secret Stuff." This is what kept the Looney Tunes off of Moron Mountain.


It's halftime at the Tune Squad's basketball game to keep them out of enslavement. The Monstars (the nerdlucks) are kicking Bugs and Company's collective asses. Unknown to them, those formerly colorful little bastards are on drugs- and by drugs I mean 5 of the most prominent NBA players of the 1990's. One of them is on Patrick Ewing, and one on Charles Barkley. Shit's almost as powerful as being on Charlie sheen, only instead of dying with a melted face and exploded body you turn into a fucking dinosaur-esque monster of a beast. Shits no joke.

As the Monstars head into their locker room, boss Swackhammer smells something. He said that he smelled a spy, but in actuality it was just Wayne Knight blazing it up inside a locker cause he's a selfish dick and didn't want to share. (Then again, Wayne Knight looks like he smells anyway- reefer or no reefer.) Accordingly they barbecued that fat bastard, and god bless those alien twats for that.

While the extra-terrestrials were busy playing with Wayne Knight, Michael Jordan and
the Looney Toons came up with their own secret weapon. A weapon that increased the user's insanity, therefor making them a force to be reckoned with on the court. No it wasn't the mislabeled water bottle that you see in the movie- it was Tune-Land Kush.

Lola and Bugs sparked a doobie of it in the corner. Sylvester, Tweety and Granny ripped the bong in the shower room. Yosemite Sam turned his pistols into bowls. Everybody toked on that shit until they were blitzed. It was so powerful that even that motormouthed blowhard Foghorn Leghorn couldn't speak. You know your drugs are top notch when they make Foghorn shut the fuck up.

After a toking session that could compete with Cheech and Chong, our Looney friends took the court. They were so damn high that they managed to pull off whatever insane, dangerous or assanine ideas popped into their heads. The only drawback was that Lola seemed to like looking at the orange Monstar's chunky ass after they pulled his shorts off. Finally, in a moment of stoned bliss Michael Jordan realized that in Looney-Tune land he was no longer bound by real world physical limitations. He kicked ass and the Tunes prevailed.

The lesson here is that marijuana can help an athlete by making him go insane. If it worked in that cartoon game, it'll work in any game. Is it just a coincidence that pot makes cartoons a billion times awesomer? I think not. Then again I'm kinda losing my train of thought on this and forget what I'm saying. All's I know is that it's time for a trip back to Michael Jordan's restaurant in Chicago to re-up on this 'secret stuff.' I'll see you at the United Center. "
I would like to take this time to thank Tommy for totally shattering my childhood view Looney Town . Oh man I have to reassess my life now. But seriously I would like to Thank Tommy for this guest spot. I hope this inspires other readers to hit us up on Facebook or at Phantomballplayer@yahoo.com

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