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Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Shitty Teams Succeeding, It's Goddamned Heartwarming.

    So I think I might have pissed off the Arizona Diamondbacks. A few weeks ago I reffered to them as the "Least Relevant Team in Major League Baseball" so what did those under-achieving, desert-dwelling bastards do? Went out, won 7 games straight and got themselves into first place in the National League West. Ian Kennedy had 5 straight wins (smooth move Yankees) heading into last nights game against Anibal Sanchez, who has also finally been living up to his potential. The D-Backs had 19 hits in the game before this one, but Sanchez shut them down last night, finally ending their win streak to the tune of a 5-2 Marlins victory. Logan Morrison and Gaby Sanchez had home runs, proving that even with Hanley Ramirez being useless (and possibly injured) this season, the Marlins can still produce runs. Did the Marlins end the D-Backs dominance? I'm saying yes. Those awkwardly named motherfuckers cannot keep this up. Justin Upton seems physically incapable of meeting up to the career year that everyone keeps saying he's going to have, their pitching staff has fucking Aaron Heilmann on it, so you know there isn't a chance on God's green earth that they're going to have an easy time in late innings, and Joe Saunders hasn't been the same since leaving the Angels.All in all, the D-Backs can expect to be hanging out in the basement, just like I am.
     Even as I type this I'm having trouble believing it, but Jason Marquis gets the win against the Phillies last night, and Cliff Lee takes the loss. Seriously? Jason Marquis pitched better than Cliff Lee? Why couldn't he have done that shit last season when I traded Carlos Gonzalez for him in my Fantasy league? This was the Washington Nationals, often regarded as the worst team in baseball, against the Phillies, who every jerkoff from Pennsylvania expected to only lose when "Fat" Joe Blanton was on the mound. I like to see the Phillies get their comeuppance, especially from a guy like Danny Espinosa, who had like 5 home runs before this season, so watching him hit two off of Cliff Lee was awesome. The Nats drubbed the Phillies 10-2, Lee gave up 6 earned runs and didn't make it out of the fifth inning. Lee's dominance of hitters isn't over, this outing just proves that he's human, contrary to popular belief. Jayson Werth got a few hits, and Pudge Rodriguez swung from his arthritic knees for a pair of RBI singles. Jason Marquis beats Cliff Lee. Un-fucking-believable.
    Just a reminder, Carlos Zambrano is still fucking insane. Don't let his solid numbers on the mound and at the plate and his good behavior fool you, he's fucking batshit. He broke a bat over his knee last night after striking out. There's two reasons why this is a bit troubling. A) You're a pitcher, it's OK to strike out every now and then, no one expects you to be Babe Ruth. and B) No one forgot about your Gatorade cooler destruction, fighting with your own catcher, getting suspended for mouthing off at everyone except yourself, and all the rest of the shit you've done. So breaking a bat over your leg for striking out just furthers the crazy label you've already earned yourself. It's totally understandable for someone known as a hitter to break a bat over their knee, to me anyways, and coming from someone who once fucked up his hand punching a fence during a softball game, I get the frustration. But this was just Zambrano being an asshole, like always. One last thing, if you're gonna break a bat over your knee, at least do it in one try. Weak "Big Z", weak.
    You didn't think this entire post would be about National League teams did you? Good, because it's not. I'm totally surprised at these Seattle Mariners. They don't have a bad team at all, with a legit ace in Felix Hernandez (avid readers will know why I refuse to use the name "King Felix"), one of the best hitters in the game, Ichiro, and my main man with the mustache Brendan Ryan out there in the rainiest city in America, the Mariners should always be a solid team. They struggle on offense consistently, but with kids like Michael Pineda coming up, things could definitely be changing for the Mariners, Chone Figgins is starting to wake up a bit, and Justin Smoak might have been worth the Cliff Lee trade, he's been an awesome first basemen, offensively and defensively, for the Mariners so far this season. The Mariners have one 11 of their last 13, and I'm thinking this trend is going to continue, at least until Felix Hernandez gets traded to the Yankees, then they'll have to start all over again.
    This has been a long one, thanks for sticking with it, or at least scanning casually over it for funny links (I've included none of them this time, I forgot until just now.) but there's a tiny bit more left. We here at Phantom Ballplayer don't often endorse products, but I just can't help myself. Do yourself a favor and pick one of these bad boys up. They are the coolest fucking things I've ever seen. I know the basketball ones are what all you fucking sheep are into these days, but there is little on this planet as cool as that Atlanta Braves hat. Jump on it kids, these hats are hot fire.

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