I'll never understand why the Mlb has its coolest event on a fucking monday? Honestly there is nothing more suited for a drinking game then the home run derby. Seriously like you can take a shot overtime Chris Berman says "OHHHHHH",chug your beer when he says something out rightly stupid, take a shot of vodka every time an all star hits a home run, and chug a bottle of whiskey every time the announcers give the background story of a guy from a small town/country making it to the bigs. See would that shit be awesome thats why I always want the All star break to happen on a friday or even saturday. So we all can recover from terrible decisions. But I am not writing about my drinking habits... again but we here at the Phantom take the all star festivities very seriously.
For the past few years way before the Phantom was even an Idea we have be getting together for a 3rd annual home run derby. Every afternoon before the real derby a few of us get together with a couple of cases of beer ,a few dozen wiffle balls and an arsenal of quick jabs.
Today was an exceptional day for it. I think it was a blistering 94 degrees and little to no cloud coverage so it was perfect weather for inebriated irish kids to stand outside for a few hours. But Uv protection was put to the limit as we began the tradition that we have been waiting all season for.
In this 3 round competition we had a slue of great hitters. We set up the field in my back yard because it has a pretty sick home run fence and a baller ass deck so who ever isn't hitting at the time can get some food off the grill and some beers out of the cooler. Like the pros have. Who was competing this year you might ask your self. Well, I'll tell you I was just painting a picture with my words so you can set your self on my deck watching the derby.
The order of batters
4. Rob aka Hambone
6. Big cat (tommy-the space jam guy)
With the top 4 advancing to the second round then the top 2 gunning for the trophy. We started. The pitcher was the next batter so 2 throws to 1 3 to 2 so on so forth. Now you got it now heres what happened
M.D set the pace early with 15 big flies to lead the evening off. Powered by Bud light and chicken nuggets M.d was crushing wiffle ball like he was a fat kid at free ice cream day at sizzler. We all felt the pressure from the returning champ.
Next up was Mikey. Channeling his idol Charles Barkley and pretty much scraping by with 5 dingers claiming that he is only good at softball and is too cool for this shit. Passing up beers Mikey went back to the world of warcraft or what ever I lost him for like an hour. I think he might have been douching. Im kidding Mikey kept the grill going as I had to answer a few phone calls and drink some beers.
Rice the Cali crusher stepped up to the plate and launched a solid 12 bombs. Calling out M.D and his crown. The lefty actually hit my neighbors front door across the street so his words were heeded.
The newbie Hambone was so eager to show off that Griffey like swine he forgot to him the ball fair. So Hambone only hit about 2 home runs. He was heart broken. But his spirits were high because J-mart and him got into a conversation about the greatness that was Griffey.
The smooth J-mart stepped up and launched 10 hard hit bombs to the middle of the street. As he took his hacks J-mart was all like " You know for a fact I am going to win. All you phuckers are just pretending ."
Big Cat stomped into the competition fresh off his latest claim that the Sandlot was an allegory for something I totally forgot what he said I just shook my head and threw him his pitches . Hitting 7 bombs switching sides in between each pitch. Dude almost broke my fucking windows with a wiffle ball. A FUCKING WIFFLE BALL!!!!!! I am so mad as you can tell by my capitals.
Now It was my turn. The Host of the show. The one the only the big man. I dug in my fitted blue Mets cap on low to show I meant fucking bidness. With a thunderous swing I managed to crush 4 home runs. One of the just barely made it out. I am so ashamed. I walked away with my head hung low unconsolable. How. I suck.
Finally in the first round Coletti stepped up and roped 9 dingers to lock up the final spot in the second round. Frankly we were all shocked. I kick an empty box across my back yard in utter disbelief.
The Second Round started after a quick smoke ,beer and food break where I guess it was lets make fun of Bryan day and I got ripped apart by the final four. Jerks
The Second Round went off with Coletti hitting 4, J-mart hitting 13 , Rice hitting 13 and M.D hitting 14. So we have a tie breaker on our hands. A five out crush fest. Jmart edged out rice by one.
So here were are the Final round M.D v J-mart. Both combatants exhausted from a long day of taters. But You gotta give it to J-mart the new champ. Hitting 6 in the final round. Another year down and another loss for me. What can I say I am not a home run hitter I am a Rbi guy gap to gap.
Here are the final totals-
Jmart- 10,13 *7, 6
M.D- 15, 14, 3
Fuck bro its even worse writing it out. Maybe I'll do better at the annual Punt pass and Kick tourney in the fall. I think we can get Erin Andrews or hopefully that Kate Upton that is smoking it right now in this mess of a celebrity softball game.