Can there be anything worse then being named Bumgarner, no I am kidding I don't care about that dude at all . My attention is focused on the 80 million dollar whack job that is the #2 starter for the Yankees A.J. Burnett .
Actually this whole time I am think oh man I am gonna bur this jack ass for basically having the biggest down fall of a solid pitcher. You know when he came to the Yankees after a few years of tutelage from the master of righty pitchers Roy "Doc" Halladay and he said the one thing that every team and its fans wants to hear " I learned how to be a pitcher instead of a thrower ." I know yankees fans were pumped. Thats what they needed along with C.C and Andy a solid righty to show the way of the Doc to their up in coming young guns Hughes and Chamberlain. But no after his first year in 09 he has progressively gotten worse and progressively gotten crazier. Wether it's his rando black eye , his loss of his control on the mound and now his bleach blonde do Aj has just flat out become the Yankees version of Oliver Perez. He makes to much to be in the pen , he walks the ballpark, he still has the stuff to be dominate but its rare he'll break it out , and oh yeah did I mention he is nuts.
All of this is just enough to get a full on blast post. But I cant form the words together. It's
not like I am struggling to think up of funny things to say, or I am too tired from work , or I just don't care . No , nothing like that . But as I write I do like to keep on my t.v maybe watch some sports recaps, a movie, or put on my pandora and listen to some sweet sweet jams. So I put on this movie "Splice" with Adrien Brody who is from Woodhaven and that blonde bitch from the new Dawn of the Dead , no not the one who got cut up by the chainsaw, but the one who was the main character and who seemed to be bored with zombies after the first act. So I am looking up stats and tuning in and out of this movie.
I start to think its funny because the Cgi is for shit and acting is sub standard even from the Brod man (he won an award yet he makes terrible movies now, Gotta make that money ) so the plot i guess is that Brod man and whats her name are bio engineers and they are trying to make some sort of thing that will have some sort dna strand that can cure the world of being stupid or whatever . So they make like these two what seem to be slugs that are supposed to do it in front of nerds and to make super slug all because some company is paying them so you got that whole plot device. So as they are making these fuck slugs they say to them selves " Hey we have no Idea what we are doing after this whole creating life bidness lets create some sort of humanoid thing because we both aren't fucked in the head or anything, " So they make this baby like rat,cat. armless shit thing and feed it tic tacs . For the first like two weeks of this things life Brody is trying to fucking straight up murder its ass for possibly fucking his life up but that chick who could care less about zombies is all like " It's our baby lets feed it orange tic tacs "
So like maybe another week goes by and It starts to look human with a fucked up dome and it catches a fever or something so they throw it in a sink and Brod man loses it and tries to drown it like a prick. It stops moving around because well its been fucking drownded ( proper tense) for like two-seconds brod is like what an ordeal I am sorry I killed your de-facto baby lady. So she's all crying because she thinks she's a mom . But the little fucker starts to breathe under water and Brod man quickly goes " she has gills she can breathe under water" and Lady is all like " Oh I am super stoked you knew that ," but Brod give this look like " shit I wanted it to be dead so I can collect my fucking check and do Predators" . But like next scene the chick is reading this thing they call Dren because its nerd spelt backwards and that was its first word . Nerd was its first word just like M.D. But back to what happened after the attempted drowning .
Lady is showing it a barbie because as a kid she wasnt allowed to have one cause her mom
was a super farmer bitch. But the fucking baby thing is now like a 16 year old bald girl in like a fucking day it went from 5-16 every pedophiles dream . So Lady sees brod chillin balls on a sofa in their laboratory . So they sit down like they actually just dodge a huge bullet or something and Brod man starts working his hand up her leg. Need less to say they started to have work place sex but Dren is like peakin through this dividing sheet and starts to get a hard on for Brod man like most women do. So they move to a farm to avoid any explanations, which I don't understand mad scientist if you are paid to do something ,and it works but not the way they wanted it to but it is still working out why don't you just man up and go hey boss this works this way lets make money. But so now its like comic con or something basically fuck slug fuck day. So Brody is like " We made these things but we aren't ready for this ," and lady is like " Lets see these fucking slugs get it on " and then the fuck slugs murder each other. They had the knife fight we have been waiting so long to see (get it ) . So the front row gets covered in fuck slug blood and glass because the giant fish tank they were in fell so they were in an impromptu splash zone. So Brody and Lady get reemed out by their boss but still keep their job which in this economy is pretty impressive.
So Lady and Dren are like having girl time at the farm and Lady finds drawings of the Brod man in dren's fisher price princess desk or what. So she starts to go crack . So there is like some sort of argument over food because Dren wants to eat meat because it ate a rabbit once and lady is being a bitch about being vegan so Brod just burns lady's face off with " I didn't know rabbit was a vegetable," fucking sweet burn bro ... So lady send dren to the time out corner because it kept a cat from her. So Brod felt really bad for it and was like " Ill teach you how to dance to Coletrain " so as they are having a good time Brod catches dren's d.t.f look and she tries to get hers. So Brod goes bad dog and leaves . So he tells lady that dren is looking to get it and he is starved for some V and she is like I am gonna give dren her cat back , so she does and Dren is like Ill murder this cat and fuck you up before I do the pianist but I guess dren walks away and get knocked the fuck out by a shovel .
So now dren is striped naked and lady cuts her tail off. Brod comes in to the barn and is like "hello is anyone here" and then naked ass dren who is fresh off surgery just goes for it. So Brod is only human and he starts railin her. Which is a complete 180 from earlier. But as he is
about to finish up Lady walks in and they talk about ethics and basically it feel like they agree on that they should be better parents to Dren and not cut her up and fuck her. Oh yeah Dren's grown wings or something. But the next day they find Dren pretty much dead which has Brody just concerned if he has a std. So they dig a hole in the ground and burn her shit . As they are about to give her an eulogy their boss comes rolling up in his SAAB with brod "little brother " I know that because he said that as they argued, right so the boss is all like mad and shit because he's like I want to make straight cash homie and your bitch asses are douches or what ever the dialog had gotten worse. Then Swoosh this flying thing comes out and its Dren. But its like a man version of dren . The camera pans to Brod face and the look he gives is kinda funny its like "Oh man I stuck my dick in that " Dren kills the boss and also Brody's brother and this is when i said "fuck this movie its awful" Brody takes off after his brother and Lady is like "stop it lets go inside its cold and he's so dead right now." and he's like " your kinda right but i dropped my flashlight in the water i need to get it " he spends more time trying to find a flash light then his own brother. FUCK That ! But whatever man Dren comes out of the water and shoulder checks brod into some shrubs and is about to get up in Lady's face . Seriously this is actual dialog Lady "Ahh what do you want ?" man dren " In..Side..You " sweet pick up line Big Ben. Dren is getting its flow on in Lady without any consent so not only is Dren a transgendered test tube baby with a tail and a messed up dome, it is also a fucking sex offender. Brod gets up and stabs dern in the back and is like " Bro not my girl" then Dren stabs him in the chest so Brod is dead and it cuts to Lady in an Office with some french bitch saying "you're so smart and you are helpin out huge so get to work " and lady is like " No prob bob " and the movie end with some jazzy tune.
AS you can see I did not enjoy this movie. If you managed to troop through my recap I thank you . I know its super wordy and long but really its for everyone benefit. Do not see this
feature it's really bad. Actually see this movie if you want a good laugh and see Adrien Brody rail everything . PLus the Fuck Slug scene is comical. It was just so bad I feel sorry for Adrien Brody, I like him as an actor he was in Angels in the Outfield so he is Hall of fame cool. The movie was so bad my dog didn't even wake up and bark at the cat in the movie. My dog will bark at someone making cat noises. So even he was like "Bro I don't even want to dignify this with a bark." Later Phuckers I have said too much tonight. Mets 2 in a row !!