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Friday, November 4, 2011

This one is weak like your game.Shit I just went there !

    I have been racking my brain for about 4 hours now to figure out what I should write to continue the streak of hilarious, award winning and well written posts.  But my mind is acting like a total douche lately. I tried last night and I got nothing ,blanked I don't get it  My brain is my strongest attribute besides my 24 pack abs and pretty hefty bank account( by bank account I mean my junk) yes my ego is that big. But I guess I'll do another one of those 3 tales that are the most prevalent in my brain things again. That was pretty popular right? What ever you can't stop me because the time you read this I will all ready be done with it. See  me brain is super smart.

  With the coming of autumn everyone changes on Leaf:
      Right that worked.  I guess Ryan Leaf is releasing a book or something about how big of a jackass he was before he went to jail for getting his players to sell him pain killers and before he found out he had some form of cancer. Now first things first , I am not insulting him due to his cancer, thats just fucked up . If you know me and have read the post I support cancer research and I will never say anything bad about a person who has cancer. I am only getting on him for his football and criminal  part of his story. Ryan Leaf if you don't know was the # 2  overall pick in the Peyton Manning draft. Leaf was selected by the San Diego Chargers who traded the farm to get him. Problem was he was a huge bust. Actually I don't think they ever used the term bust until Leaf so that another badge on his girl scout  vest . Now Leaf played a few years with the Bucs , Cowboys and Seahawks but retired due to "injury" or him being terrible.  After his career ended he laid low for a few years and then became a coach on West Texas A&M University. Thats where his  life of crime began. In 09 he was bust on burglary and controlled substance and in 2010 he was busted for 7 counts of obtaining a controlled substance by fraud and was sentence with 10 years of probation. So now we are supposed to feel bad for this guys? He is going on sports shows hocking his new autobiography and saying how his life is changed  and blah blah, he just wants to get his story out there again ( he wrote 3 books) so you know he is doing it for the right reasons. Why would anyone buy his book would you buy Mario Mendoza's book on hitting ?  No so why would you want to buy a book about a guy who had a great opportunity blew it then had a good opportunity to teach kids how not to be a screw up and then screwed up. My favorite part of all of this is when they show all of his terrible highlights to him and you can see he is getting mad when they say "You were picked so high and you were so bad. You worked you whole life to get to the NFL just to waste it" and he is squirming around. Reading this I sound like a huge asshole. But he had 3 shots and blew them all so no sympathy from me.

 I can't really think of a good title for this one so suffer...:
   For the past week or so I have felt a lot of cynicism lately. I don't know why I am a happy go lucky fella I use terms like happy go lucky fella. But everything seems to suck lately . I can't  really watch tv   anymore because they are blowing up about Kim Kardashain  dumping Chewbacca  after 72 days, this occupy Oakland which lets face it is a fucking riot, Whitney Cummings has too many shows, Adam Sandler  is the Bernie Madoff  of movies on and they keep on giving Anthony Bourdain the same show. Well, I like Chef Bourdain but I am not to thrilled about the rest.  I understand the country is shitty so #occupy what ever I get but don't be dicks to the hard working people trying make it. This is just my problems with pop culture.
  This whole Kim Kardashian thing is a joke. First off who is Kris Humpfries  what does he do? Oh he plays basketball for the Nets. So right their red flag the Nets haven't been good since Keyon  Martin left so that shit was going to end right quick. But what gets me is that this break up was on real news casts. I was trying to see whats going on in the world and then boom Bill Ritter is talking about Kim Karasssian  ( am I the first one to do that)?. Normally I would have let this go but my brother The Big Q was talking about how it was a joke that sluts like her can get married but gay marriage is looked at like  Derek Hollands mustache, a crime against humanity. But what makes me the maddest about this whole thing is that I am writing about it. You'd think  I'd just let it go by but no every where I turn " What Kim was thinking, Kim's first interview after her heart breaking divorce, Kim is looking good 3 days after her divorce" . I am worried that we as Americans have made this the norm. We are more obsessed with this stuff then real issues. Whatever.
   Adam Sandler  has to stop making movies. Have you noticed a  common theme in the lets say last 3 films.  Adam Sandler plays a rich guy who has a hot wife, hot assistant or hot girlfriend,  has some sort of issue with that but his group of friends are there to add nothing to the story except a couple of personal jokes in some sweet vacation spot.  Its like he tells the movie studios " Ok give me 15 million to make a movie I'll get Rob Schinder ,David Spade, Nick Swordson , Alan Colvert and a few other of my friends  I'll say some funny things out of the side of my mouth but do an over exaggerated yell at some old lady or a child and by the end of the movie everyone has a happy ending." but what it turns out to be Sandler  and his friends making inside jokes with each other most of the  time and him saying " What , What you're an Idiot". Like Chris Rock called him up one day and was like " Hey sandman , I need a vacation from making Madagascar movies call up Warner bothers and say we are bothers who own a bar in New Orleans  during mardi gras  and two really attractive girls come in and show us their boobies and hilarity ensues". I think I just wrote his next movie I'll call it  Marty and Greg or something like that.

   Finally who thinks Whitney Cummings is funny? I mean serious would go on record and say that she is funny. Hand to God who? This is why I am mad I don't have a show on t. v because I am like moderately funny like 9 out of 10 times my jokes don't land but I have never seen someone who writes for two shows be aggressively unfunny. She did a couple of those Comedy central Roast and just yelled at people I don't get it. What am I missing.She writes for the Show 2 broke Girls and her own show "Whitney". Two Broke Girls is dull and tries really hard to be funny and Whitney is almost the same except that everything about it sucks.   Like tonights episode her "boyfriend" and his buddy "broke up" over recycling. I get it funny premise but really what would happen is they would be like " Bro recycle " "Bro recycling is super lame" " Bro just do it theres a game on" " No" " Whatever. I'll just move the can later " . I feel if you going to try to make dudes look like assholes when we fight at least use booze because thats where the real awkward shit happens. Thats all I am saying , Also stop yelling when you talk. Being loud doesn't make you funny .Except to the hard of hearing because thats just considerate. It's like your actually hitting us with your punchline in the face. That show makes me think that women in their late 20's and early 30's  are insane and dudes in their late 20's and early 30's are pussies. They Cancelled Outsourced for this!

Final Fantasy Football:
 Look I know there are some people who don't understand why people go over broad with the  whole fantasy sports thing. I get it why would someone waste their time making line ups, trades and looking up scouting on reports on something that they have no real way of effecting the turn out. Frankly I wish I had an astute and witty answer for you because that would give me some closure but the only thing I can think of is It's so much fun to prove you are superior to your friends, family co workers and random strangers who you never met on the internet but you only means of communication is a message board where you under a fake alias  call them a collection possibly the  worst words ever imagined, things you wouldn't say on xbox live just to prove you are the best in the league. What can help people is watching The League? It probably started as a way to make fun of bros like that but it has turned out to be  a real look at the life of fantasy football players.  Its like gambling for those who are scared of loan sharks. Just accept it for what it really is just something to keep your boyfriend and husband off  porn sites.

      Yeah I kind of petered off on that one. I seemed to use up all my momentum on that super sized pop culture block. I am ashamed  that fantasy football one could be great. Also I have been knocked out of my zone because my pandora has crossed the line to full on racist. All it plays is Irish music, I like Irish music not going to lie there  but not all the time. Also is Harry Belafonte ska ?  Well, thats all the words I can muster up tonight.

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