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Wednesday, June 29, 2011

July is near , So who is coming and who is going from your favorite team





July is only 36 hours away people. Do you know what that means?All of our favorite Baseball teams will be making some behind the scene decisions that will impact your fandom for the rest of the year or even your LIFE!!!! Ok it's not that serious but there is always one or two block buster deals done around July that can change the makeup of any race. Gm's use the all-star as a speed dating event with each other.

This year there is a lot of talk of which big talent guy will be leaving his shitty team and going to a team that is The Yankees, Red Sox, Phillies, and Angels.Right now the two biggest names that are being looked at to relocate is Jose Reyes and Prince Fielder. Both these guys are in walk year of their contracts and are looking to cash in big time. I know Jose is looking to buy up the remainder of the "Predator" armor that he has wanted since last season (get it he has dreads) and Prince just wants his own Mcdonalds. If these guys don't get moved this mid season they will be making big dollars next year both guys will get over 100 million easy.

Here is a list of guys who I think might be moved this year .

1. Carlos Beltran- He wants out of the Mets organization so bad you can almost see it every
time he gets a hit. But I don't think he wants out of a big market. Beltran might be on the last legs of his career and wants to win it big and he knows that the only way he is going to play for a winner is if he A. moves positions..Check and B. Be open to the Dh role. Teams like the Yankees, Red Sox, White Sox, and Angels looking to stay in the race could use his talents as a rental. The Mets will probably ask for a pitcher in return for Beltran. So the yankees could deal like Nova , the Red Sox could deal Bard since Jenks is healthy , The Angels could send over a few prospects maybe Garrett Richards who is there # 4 best prospect. Beltran is worth a good return. I know he has had a few injuries slow him down over the year but think of it like this. Any team that gets him will get a # 4 hitter batting 6th in their lineup . In the right line up he can bring in over 60 rbis in the second half of the season since he all ready has 54. He would be moved by July 10th.

2. Madison Bumgarner or Ryan Vogelsong- Try not to laugh at these ridiculous last names. The Giants want to repeat so bad they will probably dump some of their young talent to get offense.
Scouts love Bumgarnder even though his record doesn't reflect his talent right now. He went 8 strong in the World Series last year with out giving up a run against a team that can crush so that has cemented his poentinal as 1 or 2 starter. But right now he is 4-9 with a 3.84 era which I am sorry that is pretty fucking good. Vogelsong is owning shop this season going 6-1 with a 2.09 era right now these guys if packaged together can get a kings ransom or if sent separately they can get a Prince and a Reyes. Look for them to be moved by end of july once the heat on Reyes gets to be way too much.

3. Heath Bell-Since Heath took over the closer role in San Diego his name has been written in
sharpie on the Padres trading block. Heath has done nothing but close the door out there and I think he will still be closing the door in San Diego by seasons end. But with The Cardinals dumping Ryan "Goatee" Franklin this week, the injury to Albert the , and the Rebirth of Chris Carpenter. They are going to need a solid closer to get them back to the top and fight off the young upstart Brewers and Reds who are looking to put those birds in a sanctuary(avian joke). If it does happen look for a July 23rd deal. By the way Heath Bell is one of my heros. Dude just eats fried food ,plays video games, and strikes fools out.



4. Ivan Rodriguez-If he isn't dealt he will be cut. The Nationals are looking to go younger and
dump salary to go nuts in the off season. If they can find a buyer for Pudge it wont be for anything to great. Double a talent . Look at the Marlins, Twins, and possibly the A's some team with a young staff on the verge of being something or look at a team who needs a solid back up to give their over rated catcher a breather. Another contender The Giants. Look for an after all star game deal.

5. Joakim Soria-
K.c's closer could being seeing Philly red. Well thats what I think. See everyone they have put in their closer role has either gotten hurt or did just an ok job. Now with Roy Oswaltt hurting his red neck or was it his back? They need a more stable bullpen. And Soria is just about as solid as they come. They will have to deal a lot of prospects but We know the Phillies could spare some . Since they'll probably just go back to them after a year for lss money anyway.

6.A ton of pitching-Well all know pitchers will be moved. Wether its bullpen or starters atlas 50 major league or minor league talent pitchers will be moved this trade season. Lets not kid our selves it's going to happen . Any team who thinks they have shot will do anything for pitchers.
Here is some one who is not going to be traded

1. Felix Hernandez-King Felix will not be wearing pinstripes by August. Who ever says this is obviously brain damaged. He just signed a big contract in Seattle and with the emergence of
Michael Pineada , Dustin Ackely, and those other prospects they brought up . If anything the M's might be buyers this trade deadline. They need a Short stop and a catcher. But felix will not be moved. They have a good farm system and some cash to burn. Right now the Mariners are making some noise out west ( Your welcome..Phantom spotlight ). They are playing good baseball trying to get Ichiro in the playoffs again. With

The trade deadline will be full of surprises and disappointments. WHo knows what these "baseball people" will do. Mistakes will be made I can grantee that. Basically the trade deadline is like going to a toy store with a group of kids during Christmas. After the first hour of them picking out the toys the really really really really really really really
really really really really really really really really really really really really want and you watch their mom(Gm's) try to explain why they(the fans) can only get 2 batman toys instead of 5 with the movie issued batcave with the revolving trap door where Michael Keaton batman can change in to battle ready batman... I really wanted that batcave.

Look for the Yankees, Tigers, Red sox, Phillies, Rangers, Giants, the Reds, possibly the Brewers and the Twins to make the most noise by the deadline. Now I don't claim to be 100% right so if I am wrong don't think your all smarter then me. This is what I think I am just going off my opinion.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Realignment ... GO fuck your self

So there has been a lot of talk lately and I don't like it. I know I have said that maybe an extra playoff team would be a good thing but some assholes who get paid to do the same shit we do are losing their collective shit. Talk has been to blow up what is in place now to create two division where it would be 15 teams both. That is complete horse shit.

I was driving to get my schedule for the next week of work so I had Espn radio to hear the recap of the Mets second consecutive beat down of American League " Champion" Texas Rangers and callers where talking about how great it would be if they jumbled up the teams and made new divisions. The show wasn't a New York based show so I got to hear different teams fans perspective. And I have to say you guys are kind of bitches. Seriously you're so worried about teams with higher payrolls getting good players and making it harder to compete so you have to put the yankees in a league with other teams with higher payrolls. But really it would be some east coast west coast shit that wont fucking work. Also there is some shit to bring the Astos to the Al west to even thing out. But really I know the rap here. The pussifaction of this sport has come to a boiling point.

If they want to move teams around thats ok. Some teams don't belong in those divisions. Thats fine move the teams but be honest about it. Say its because these teams count themselves out of any race because who they have hired to run the team is a complete moron and their owner has not balls to spend any of that revenue money they get every year on the advancement of their team and keep franchise players for a longer tenure. SO here we can set it up in these divisions

Want to win | Think they can win| Have a plan
1. Yankees | 1. Rockies | 1. Oakland
2.Phillies | 2. Rays | 2. Royals
3.Red Sox | 3. White Sox | 3.Pirates
4. Angels | 4.Rangers | 4.Marlins
5. Cardinals | 5.Twins | 5.Indians
6.Braves | 6.Reds | 6. Brewers
7.Giants | 7.Tigers | 7.Padres

Rebuilding from stupidity
1.Mets
2.Dodgers
3.Cubs
4. Astros
5.D-backs
6. Orioles
7.Nationals

See How fucking gross it is. Terrible. I felt like throwing up as I wrote it. Maybe it would be more regional set up. I don't know dude it's a fucking disaster to even think about. What should happen is that Bud shouldn't listen to these baseball "purists". Like I have said before I think baseball should evolve every 10 years or so. But this is a terrible plan. They had only two division in the American and National league a while back and guess what shit was gross.

Honestly buddy I feel that with the amount of resistance the Mlb will face . If its wants to realign its going to. There is nothing really we can do about it . We are just gonna have to sit and take it. Sorry no links or photos I am just super mad about this. Basically where are in an older view( Baseball people I.e Commissioners, and Reporters) v a younger view( Owners, Bloggers, Fans, and Tv). Oh yeah the owners are not going to like how their 3rd to 4th place team who is showing advancement will be ranked 6 or 7th or if they do 15 team divisions. That is going to kill ticket sales.

This one sucked. Sorry guys my heads all wound up. I have been out of Ideas for a week now. I have some free time maybe I'll catch a game. But is it just me or is the coverage on the Mlb network getting really lazy? Like all they talk about now is how good some players are and how Sean Casey is really funny. Its like they have 5 shows dedicated to the same thing. I hope they get their shit together because I cant survive on 30 minutes of baseball from espn and listening to those insufferable Pedro Gomez, Buster Olmey and Tim Kurjian blather on about how Barry Bonds Testicles are a unique shade of purple. Whatever, Later for now I'll be back later with better shit.
Oh yeah By the way no one is stopping you from guest posting. Yeah we are still doing that .

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

How does one follow up a post about their grandmother.... TOp Ten Hottest famous chicks that might be baseball fans

Seriously today was the funeral and all I kept thinking about after we left the cemetery was " I need to make a new top 10," " It should be about hot famous women who I think are baseball fans " . So after I came home changed out of my suit had a beer or 8 and started thinking up whats what. I know I am not the first dude to think this up and I am probably not the last. Hell I am probably sure I am the 1billionth nerd with a blog who has put up a list of women that he'd more then likely revert back to a babbling mess then actually throw any game to. By the way ladies my game is pretty (spoiler alert) really bad . But thats a story for another post. Lets get this list down so I can be sued by these ladies. I hope I don't come off as too much of a creep


I am going to try to avoid women who were in movies about baseball , so goodbye Karen Allen oh how I wish I wasn't a pre-fetus when you were Indiana Jones or Animal house. Seriously check her out back in the late 70's-80's hell even in the Sandlot she was slammin. I did not make that video but yeah now you know. I think by the end of this It's going to be what celebrity I want to go to a game with on a date. I am a gentleman you animals. Lets start this spiraling disaster.

10. Marisa Miller-
I know super easy choice. Super Model of the superest variety and huge cubs fan. So I guess she isn't that smart. Actually I think she is from Chi-town so she has lived a rougher life then me. Either way there are a billion pictures of her in bikinis , underwear, and other really awesome shit. But my kryptonite is a girl in a jersey. and right now its like superman trying to move that super point less kryptonite island. Anyway she is super hot, super cool , she goes to games , gets into them, rides motorcycles, fight crime and other stuff.

9. Rose Bryne-
Ok so I finally saw X-men First Class last weekend. Besides Jennifer Lawerence standing around looking all hot in blue. Rose Bryne captured my eye. So she is like all english or something and she did the sequel to 28 days later so She is hitting the nerds with everything she's got. I would of picked Jennifer but she is blowing up right now. But Rose is a straight up stone colder looker. She kills it every time. I would love to take her to her first baseball game. Drink some beers she'll tell me how soccer is a better sport and I'd laugh at her silly accent. Oh the fun. By the way its call soccer not football. Also real sports are played with your hands.



8. Audrina Patridge-
What Can I say about her that hasn't been said before. I have had a thing for her since the first time my brother made me watch a 5 hour marathon of the Hills. As I suffered through the mindless dribble when ever whats their faces said when they talked. This California girl stole my eye immediately. Espically when she would look slightly to the left instead of in the other persons eye. Which I think that was her way of not blowing her lines. Don't act like you fuckers don't know what I am talking about . She really good looking and she threw out the first pitch at a dodgers game. So.... You know I just said it





7. This is like a 50 way tie, Not really but here are like 5 that I cant pick from- Zoe Saldana, Ashley Greene, Cobie Smulders, Deborah ann Woll and Emmanuelle Chriqui. OK some names you know some you don't but seriously I put the links to their Imdb pages. So check them out.Oh wait bonus Jennifer Connelly. She is like an All-time favorite but not for this list

6. I guess Cameron Diaz-
Yeah I guess thats fair. She has been all over the place lately. She is pushing some new movie and giving A-rod Hj's at the superbowl. I just saw her on the Daily show so I am going to give Mary ( my 98 crush) her due. I doubt she needs me to push her probably awful movie but she seem like a cool chick. Like the one who would out drink you 6 time till sunday and then punch you in the balls for being a bitch. SO since she is taming centuar-rod and is killing it in all the photos for Bad teacher. SO lucky number 7 is a good spot for her. Not Number 4 like maxim put her.





5. Erin Andrews-Oh My God Bros. She is basically my Ideal women. Super smart, Loves sports, is kinda funny and She doesn't suffer fools. I have no fucking clue where Espn found her but
bravo bristol. Bravo! I know she does a lot of college football/basketball which is really lame but sooner or later she is going to crack into the pro game. So watch the fuck out. I found this on youtube so check it out and really just the one thing that would make her perfect to is if she was like a few inches shorter. Yes I have that big of an ego to say Erin Andrew who is a resickulus woman isn't perfect. The balls I have. Thank God she doesn't read this actually I hope she does. Hey Miss. Andrews If your looking for a 6'2 tall, 275 lb dude with thinning blonde hair (don't worry I keep it really short so it looks good) has two jobs absolutely no money but is really funny and knows a fair share about sports give me a shout... I can just imagine her reaction "Fuck No" ...



4. Diora Baird-Who is that you might ask. She has been in a ton of movies but just not as the star. Look bros she has Major league Talent but is tuck in triple AAA because she isn't as classy
as Helen Mirren or what ever . Which is total bull shit. She is really good at acting and being a murder victim. That is how I was introduced to her as a thespian. I was doing a Law and Order: Svu marathon from my netflix and there is an episode where she plays this girl who was almost assaulted by some creepy dude and she contracted some infection. But the whole time she was wearing like skimpy clothes and the moral of the story was don't judge a women by her clothes. So I was interested to see what else she was in. Wedding Crashers, A Texas chainsaw remake , and is always in Maxim. She is super hot and I want you all to follow her on twitter and imdb or whatever lets make her Super famous. The Phantom spotlight is now on Diora Baird.

3. Taylor Swift-What 25 year old dude hasn't sung a Taylor Swift song by themselves on their way to the bar to be throughly shot down by every fucking Jwoww look alike and just sit in the
corner hearing a Taylor dance remix and softly singing the orignal version to their beer? ?? Fuck I guess I am the only one. I know she has gone to games and sung the Anthem and she is from some town in a sports state. But T-swift is all sorts hot wearing sun dresses and being all respectfully dressed. Most dudes don't like the whole covered up look , not this guy. There is nothing sexier then a women who doesn't have to show off to be confident about her self.... Time Out, I just really want to go on a date with her show her a nice time open doors for her make playfully awkward conversation about how we like the same non country music, and take her home kiss her on her door step say good night and go home swooning. Fuck I just lost every dude reader. Sorry bros I wont say anything disrespectful... She'd get 250% If the option came up .

2. Alison Brie-
Now Most people know her as the brown haired chick with the huge eyes and cute face on that show with Childish Gambino and Clark Griswald. She is on Mad men and has done a lot of like under the radar stuff like something called Hot Sluts. Nerds you have to find this for me, I needs to see it. I read an interview she did with Men's Health last year and she told this story how she went on a date with a total tool shed. After reading the whole interview plus the side shits I honestly thought If we met she'd date me. I am almost her type. So I convinced my self that if she ever walked into my job and looked at me she'd fall head over heals for me. SO any time Alison anytime. I am a gentelmen who writes a blog about how lame he is so you know I am super handsome ,I smell very good for a guy my economical class and waist size, I make witty poetical jokes that are both topical and deep, and Well I am not a tool shed.

Now we are at # 1. So who is still with me here? I think I'll catch some flak for this but number one is the Newly Single( her ex-husband must be a real ass clown) and the humanitarian of the year .

Olivia Wilde-God Damn. How attractive is she? SO attractive I almost started to watch House to see her weekly but I stopped my self and said "Self your nerdy enough". Now I do want to mention she has been helping out a lot of in need people which is really cool and you should follow her on twitter. She has to be one of the 4 hottest people on the face of this planet . She is a New York girl so automatically my favorite. I watched Year One like 8 times because of her.She has to be a Mets fan. An underdog team who is having a rough time. Hot chicks love a mess. But Honestly If you could check her out on twitter, support the causes because they are really good causes. Look at the face and tell me you wouldn't want to save the world.... Exactly


Yeah so that was my list. It's not perfect but it's a good list. I feel it is. Looking back at it I think this will bring us a lot of viewers and I'll probably catch a whole lot of shit. But really who didn't see this list coming . SO enjoy it.

Monday, June 20, 2011

If I ever live 87 years... Your all in trouble

Hey readers( I am still working on a nickname for you guys) I hope you guys had a good fathers day weekend. The Phantom has been taking some time off for celebratory reasons. M.D graduated college so Its been a week of shenanigans . But to bring the mood down a little on sunday afternoon my Dad told me that my Nana his mother had past on. A few weeks back she had a stroke and needless to say it was tough but she held on like a strong Irish woman and unfortunately her time came. While we are all saddened by her passing we look back at her life and start to think back on how great of a women she was. With this platform that I have used to talk about some nonsense and some weighty subject(mostly bull ) I am going to tell you about one of my favorite days with my Nana and its about baseball too so it fits into what the Phantom Ballplayer is about.. No pictures today but there are some links. Come on its still me.

Before I jump into my story I am going to give you a bit of background so your not all like" Well Thats just terrible" . OK so My nana was a firerey Red head from brooklyn, before the hipsters ruined it. She had 3 other siblings. 2 brothers and another sister, now I am not to sure about the order because I am a terrible grandson and her brothers pasted before I was born and her sister pasted when I as 9 so the only real memory I have of her is that her dog was super mean and bite me every time I try to pet it ( You ask why would you pet a dog that bit you multiple time... I wasn't that bright as a child . I saw a dog thought it wanted to be friends and it bit me ) But like most Irish catholics my cousins brother and I all went to her house for random occasions, birthdays , holidays and other stuff which ended up with the young kids doing some sort of free labor but the family motto " Children should be seen and not heard.... Oh and get us more beer." I am kidding but the beer thing is true.
She gave birth to five children my aunt Mary, My Father Jim, My Uncle Rich, My aunt Jean and My Uncle Mike a thriving Irish family a bit on the short side but hard working and strong individuals who all have weird but incredible sense of humor.
Nana took great care of us every christmas we got a ton of stuff and a crap load of socks which now I realize was the best gift of all. Nana was the nicest but old schooliest person you would ever meet.
She used to listen to "rock en rolld " music so that she can relate to her sons and daughters. She was never short of stories about the olden times when pepsis would cost a nickel and how she used to run a muck in Crooklyn ( I know wu-tang would of been better but she liked Jay-z). Since she was old school she wanted all of us to go to church with her every sunday. I never took to the church as evidenced by the padres post. So she used to tell me that if I acted up during mass the nuns would come to my seat take a picture of me and have the priest send it to Santa so I wouldn't get any presents. SO after that I kept my mouth shut during the masses. Later to find out that my church didn't have nuns.... I was really stupid back then.
When my Nana threw a party it was stocked with Old Milwaukee's and High life. When she moved out of her house to live with my aunt about 3 years ago we cleaned out her basement which was stocked with Jim Beam White Labels from like 1964, Irish Mist from the 70's and her fridge still had the beasts and the champagnes of beers from the last summer of 93 bb q. So what you should know if these three poorly written paragraphs haven't proved my nana was pretty cool. So now we start the story.

The first game that I ever went to was with my dads side of the family. Everyone went My aunts , uncles ,cousins, parents and brother. It was the summer of 1990 I was about to turn 5 in october and I was on top of the world. Young handsome and stupid blonde kid who was the best defender in all of the soccer league. But I have never seen a real-life baseball game. So all of kids got taken to Shea stadium to see the Mets V Cardinals. As we walked up the ramps to the upper decks , Nana had to take the escalator because she had foot problems and was starting to go blind so walking up the shea ramps would of been the worst choice. Anyway once we get to the top our seat were like in the middle of the section so we would have to walk up like 25 steps. So the young'ens and my mom and cousins mom were unfortunately dragged up those stairs like dog mushers. I honestly can remember vividly watching Nana go up the stairs and after every three steps her turing around to my dad and saying something. I can only imagine the words she used to describe her displeasure in making this hike. She made it up to the seats and took her seat on the isle.
The day couldn't of been any better. Storm clouds on the horizon, the humidity at a brisk 95% and the R.C cola had a cooling sticky texture. No body was super pumped to be there over the age of 28 except for Nana who got to spend time with her grand kids and have her kids buy us and her some inflatable bats, helmets, like 12 inch wooden bat.. Which by the way why would you market something like that to children you know whats going to happen one kid (my brother )is going to hit a smaller kid in the head with it. ALL THE TIME !
Any way as we left in the bottom of the 5th inning because the Mets were you guessed it Losing. I remember my nana telling me " Bryion (Thats how she said my name it drove me nuts. I think she knew that so she kept on calling me that for years. Like it just stop two christmases ago.) You can do this. You can play for the Mets one day. They could use you " when I heard this I got this notion in my head that I should start playing baseball and one day I would make it to the bigs and play for the Mets. Now I know it was just Nana busting my balls again !

I know I have said a lot of things that might seem really inappropriate and kind of mean and if you take them that way your just as stupid as I was as a kid. My nana loved all of her children and her grandchildren with her whole heart and always wanted the best for us. She just had a really good sense of humor and she pasted it down to all of her kids who then pasted it down to their kids and God help those poor sons of bitches when we start having our own families. If I ever live half the life she has lived with a great and loving family and a really cool grandson it would be amazing.
Rest in Peace Nana, Go bust God's balls for once and give me a break... Oh crap I am so gonna be haunted for the rest of my life.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Where have you gone Elijah Dukes ?




Oh where oh where have you gone to Fly Eli ? I have missed you so much this year you were the only reason why I would go to Mets Nationals games. I knew that at any moment with one bad call or you misplaying a pop up you would blow up and start a fight but not actually get into a fight. You'd always find away to get tossed before punches were thrown. Thats not your fault though, I think you could have done some damage bro. Remember that time you went to a D.c area Little league function and got fined for being late to practice ? I bet you went nuts and started shit with Adam Dunn and Ryan Zimmerman. The Nats didn't know what they had so they cut you before we really got to know you. But where are you now? I miss you buddy seriously. I know you read so I want you to know that we here loved the fact you once texted your know ex wife twice the first time was a picture of a gun and the next one was you telling here that the gun was for her. I don't blame you man. You cant send a picture message and also have a message under it sometimes people are just so engrossed by the picture they miss the message and lose all context for the textmessage.When I send out photos of my guns or penis I always send a following text usually its something like " Wheres my moneyz, Grandma" and " Don't let the pixels fool you it's really that blurry in real life. " but I am not here to talk about my text messaging habits I am here to talk about Fly Eli. Still the best post baseball nickname I have ever heard. I have listened to some of your raps and well I'll stop there I don't want you to lose your shit .It's not my cup of Colt 45 .

Well Thats it thats my post for now....Psych bitches. You really think that the first real post I do this week is about Elijah Dukes and Me sending my grandma text pictures of a ...gun ? You should know better by now. Before I move on I want to say there is nothing funny about endangering the life of someone who is the mother of your children or anyone in that matter. I hope that they are safely away from this dude and I hope his is taking this time away from baseball to get his shit together. But right now I think we should move on to poorly written word that make you laugh. Not because they are funny but because they show how the public school system failed me.
Lets get into the real facts. I stop watching Mets games this past two weeks and they have actually started to play like a good team. WHAT THe FUCK BRO! That shit is weak. NAh its cool because I am kinda pumped that the Marlins keep on losing and the Nationals are just to get into the Phantom Spot light so they can blow up . But that anti happening yet. Now I have to try and convince M.D to stop writing about his new man crush Bryce Harper. I fear the words " The Next Paul O'niel" will be uttered by M.D next season. Finally the Mets are following Jose Reyes lead and just fucking up anyone who gets in their way. Plus Dillon Gee is a straight up stud prospect. How fucking stupid are we that we didn't have this guy in the starting rotation in the beginning of the season. He is 8-0 so far and the Mets have won every start that he has had . Which make Mike Pelfery just go bananas and he hides behind his locker and licks himself until he has calmed down.

This is the second time I have mentioned that the big Pelf has a pention for licking him self. So I want to explain why Mets fans are laughing and you guys are just straching your head.
When Pelf came up about 5 years ago I'd like to say . He was a huge prospect for the Mets. Tall Young Fireballer with a heavy sinker with Ace potential. We were all hyped like no ones business. Collectively we all watched his first big league start and after the first pitch everyone in the stadium ( Fans, Vendors, The other Team, Cowbell man) and the people watching at home ( broke people, lasy people , the mentally insane and any other type of degenerate that calls them selves a Mets) were like "Did he just stick his tounge out ?". Apparently the minor league Report forgot to warn us that Mikey had him self a tick when he pitched. The strange thing is it worked to his advantage. The dude would be lights out when he gave the opposing batter the old raspberry. But then some fucking genius in the Mets organization said " This works lets try a mouth guard ,Oh wait that doesn't work lets make him stop doing the thing that made him resickulus" actual quote. So Pelf kept his tounge is mouth and the baseballs flew out of the park..... So since being shell shocked Mike has just started to lick his hands after every bad pitch. SO now you get it in 500 words or less.

To be honest I really hoped the Mets had a bad weekend like I did. I really wanted to blow up on something. But since they didn't and I watched game 6 of the Nba finals so that really
picked me up a lot . So you guys were saved a series bitching. I wear a double xl t-shirt, basketball shorts to work in an office and have to act professional , I have a size 8 fitted , eat a shit ton of chicken wings and can drink my fair share of beer but I really felt I needed to bitch out . So with what is ever left of my dignity ( talking about dixts and bitching out what has happened to me ) I bid you all a fair week. Also I am really sorry about some our delayed posts Since the Hooligans started we have been running around all crazy try to organize our Jobs, social lives, beers, bar food, and talking about fitted hats at work. We will get our shit together we owe it to you guys to bring you the most trusted opinions in baseball. I actually had this really funny picture of a dude who looks like a cross between me and the center For the Jets whats his name Neil Holdenbock? Is that right? Eric Mangold thats his name. Fuck that is such a good pen name. Thats what I will change my twitter account to . Ladies love Neil Holdenbock. That sounds really stupid. I'll try and get a Hooligans Re-cap after tomorrow night game . Later Phantom-maniacs ! Lets try that out for a while and see how it works.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

HEy sorry guys its a fucking crazy week


Isn't it just like us to have one crazy week right after another. Well I would like to take this opportunity to apologize about or delay in any new posts. We have been over run with shit to do and we are working on making the Phantom a better site ( we went back to elementary school). We will be back very shortly with brand new posts, jokes clever, youtube links, google images and top 10 lists that you all have come to love. So we should be back in the next few days and we thank you for all our support and loyalty. Whats up Canada, The U.K, Germany (DIRK) , Denmark Singapore, Our new readers in Ireland, The Netherlands , Australia , and Bulgaria welcome to the Phantom thanks for reading and stay tuned baseball is about to pick up and we are only getting better at saying we are getting better.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The First Guest post that isn't Mikey ? Look out Barstoolsports We're fucking coming for you !


Hey guys did you have a good weekend? Great I didn't but Ill get into that on twitter. My rage and unamusment with a lot of shit that can only be expressed in 140 characters . Either way let me get to the story at hand. So remember how when I was struggling for ideas at the start of May ? Well someone took me up on my offer. Tommy "The Big Cat"( I know wrong house hold pet but its still pretty funny) who plays first base for the Hooligans and is our resident mad man. He has some crazy fucking stories every and this is one of them. During one of our practices he launched into this rant. I could not stop laughing. So I asked Tommy to jot this fucking master work down. This is the Finished product. Enjoy...Ok I had some alignment issues but it works out well I think.

"

"Performance Enhancer"
What was really in Michael Jordan's "Secret Stuff"
The true story behind a Performance Enhancing Drug
by Tommy 'Big Cat' Mannion, #33

The chemical makeup of an athlete's internal workings are constantly under scrutiny In today's sports culture. There's always a pack of bureaucrats at some league office who make their living by knowing exactly what is in any given athlete's blood, urine, hair...or that other stuff that shows up under a black-light. Why do they need to invade countless athletes' personal freedoms to find this out? Three big bad words- Performance Enhancing Drugs.

Now don't get me wrong, the last thing any college student, Average Joe or weekend warrior needs is to show up to his game only to find some asshole jacked up on 'roids. If you're new to the whole sports thing, these jerkoffs are easy to spot- Just look for the biggest douchebag. And I literally mean BIGGEST. He won't have a neck and will abruptly display a pissy fight the world attitude (This is standard compensatory behavior for someone who's scrotum and brain have shrunk to the size of peanuts.) But as I was saying, these things are dangerous to juicer's health, the health of all other athletes on the field, the integrity of the games they play, and the secret white girlfriends that they slap around.
-coughBarrycough-

But steroids aren't the only substance that athletes are tested for. Numerous other supplements and drugs, both legal and illegal are tested for. It is only acceptable to test positive for certain substances after producing doctors' notes which notify the powers that be that "It's ok that Jimmy here is positive for opiate painkillers- he legitimately needs them and he paid the pharmaceutical industry their cut!" When an athlete tests positive for one of the many banned substances, they are punished on the grounds that said substance is a performance enhancer. Even if that substance is Marijuana.

Yeah, good ol' ganja is considered on paper to be a performance enhancing substance.

Robin Williams once did a bit about the idiocy of that particular standard. I laughed along when I heard it, because I agreed. Surely it makes music a hell of a lot better, but pot making you a better athlete? Give me a fucking break, no way.

Then one day at softball practice, I saw Jack play after a good burn session. The difference in his playing was significant. He was going all out balls-to-the-wall. His range was vastly improved as he turned into a human vacuum cleaner, snagging hits left, right, up, down and everywhere in between. After seeing this something dawned on me. A childhood memory came to mind, presenting itself in a new light bringing new understanding. I now recognized and appreciated the TRUE story behind a movie which shaped my life. A movie that forged the character of most late Generation Y's and early Millennials. A movie that had a substantial impact on any sentient being in the 1990's. I'm talking about Space Jam.

This is the true story of what was in "Michael's Secret Stuff." This is what kept the Looney Tunes off of Moron Mountain.


It's halftime at the Tune Squad's basketball game to keep them out of enslavement. The Monstars (the nerdlucks) are kicking Bugs and Company's collective asses. Unknown to them, those formerly colorful little bastards are on drugs- and by drugs I mean 5 of the most prominent NBA players of the 1990's. One of them is on Patrick Ewing, and one on Charles Barkley. Shit's almost as powerful as being on Charlie sheen, only instead of dying with a melted face and exploded body you turn into a fucking dinosaur-esque monster of a beast. Shits no joke.

As the Monstars head into their locker room, boss Swackhammer smells something. He said that he smelled a spy, but in actuality it was just Wayne Knight blazing it up inside a locker cause he's a selfish dick and didn't want to share. (Then again, Wayne Knight looks like he smells anyway- reefer or no reefer.) Accordingly they barbecued that fat bastard, and god bless those alien twats for that.

While the extra-terrestrials were busy playing with Wayne Knight, Michael Jordan and
the Looney Toons came up with their own secret weapon. A weapon that increased the user's insanity, therefor making them a force to be reckoned with on the court. No it wasn't the mislabeled water bottle that you see in the movie- it was Tune-Land Kush.

Lola and Bugs sparked a doobie of it in the corner. Sylvester, Tweety and Granny ripped the bong in the shower room. Yosemite Sam turned his pistols into bowls. Everybody toked on that shit until they were blitzed. It was so powerful that even that motormouthed blowhard Foghorn Leghorn couldn't speak. You know your drugs are top notch when they make Foghorn shut the fuck up.

After a toking session that could compete with Cheech and Chong, our Looney friends took the court. They were so damn high that they managed to pull off whatever insane, dangerous or assanine ideas popped into their heads. The only drawback was that Lola seemed to like looking at the orange Monstar's chunky ass after they pulled his shorts off. Finally, in a moment of stoned bliss Michael Jordan realized that in Looney-Tune land he was no longer bound by real world physical limitations. He kicked ass and the Tunes prevailed.

The lesson here is that marijuana can help an athlete by making him go insane. If it worked in that cartoon game, it'll work in any game. Is it just a coincidence that pot makes cartoons a billion times awesomer? I think not. Then again I'm kinda losing my train of thought on this and forget what I'm saying. All's I know is that it's time for a trip back to Michael Jordan's restaurant in Chicago to re-up on this 'secret stuff.' I'll see you at the United Center. "
I would like to take this time to thank Tommy for totally shattering my childhood view Looney Town . Oh man I have to reassess my life now. But seriously I would like to Thank Tommy for this guest spot. I hope this inspires other readers to hit us up on Facebook or at Phantomballplayer@yahoo.com

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Don't look now but the Royals are on the road to making some noise... Wait that was a bad title, well Kc is calling up their 2nd big prospect




I am a fucking genius buddy. Just earlier this week I went into Lids looking for a sick snapback that M.D and I have been talking about for what seems like weeks. But the Lids by me did not have them for Mlb teams yet just the Nba. So I looked to get a fresh new fitted. I scanned the selection that they had and moved some shit around to find the 8's which if you don't know thats the biggest hat they make. This is not for me to look cool with a flat brim, its the only size that fits my massive head. Seriously I had to get my head shaved today so that I can properly sculpt them to my giant skull. But anyway I picked up an all blue with the orange insingena Mets hat ( which makes 4 of that kind) and since its been a good week for me I thought to my self "Self your not going be here for another 2 years why not get that Royals hat you've been saying your going to buy since 08" so I moved the row of hats to find the only 8 of the Royal blue with white Kc hat which is resickulus. With the news today that Mike Mustakas their power hitting 3rd base prospect. Lets bring the noise

For the past few years I have been looking like a complete douche by saying the Royals are going to be sick. But right now they are on the right path. With years of terrible moves, complaining about big market teams getting the best free agents and what ever else happened that tarnished the rep of one of the most prominent teams from the 70's-early 90's. The Royals have let go of some pretty good talent over the past few decades.

Lets see the Royals have traded off : Johnny Damon, Jermaine Dye, Carlos Beltran, Raul
Ibanez, Angel Berroa,John Buck,and Zack Grineke.... Ok well they haven't been over run with talent but they had some good players in the earlier part of the decade and by moving them before they got to be expensive for prospects and draft picks. They have spent years fiddling with young prospects basically trial and error and it has been a lot of error. But now with Eric Hosmer, Alcides Escobar finally playing shortstop, The maturation of Alec Gordon and the pitching staff and with the return of Joaquin Soria to the closer role the Royals are on the cusp of big things.

Right now K.C is super pumped for Mustakasand frankly so am I this is the begining of K.C's dominace. If you don't
know Mike Mustakas was ranked a top 10 prospect in the entire baseball world. He was hitting .321 with 10 blasts and 44 rbis, this has been a long time coming. The Royals send down Mike Aviles who has yet to regain that once highly touted talent back to form when he came up 3 years ago and hit 10 homers in 80 at bats and they move Wilson "traded for Nick Swisher" Betiment to the bench, so a vast improvement for the blue ballers. The Royals are now like the A's , Indians and the Mariners the Royals have a young team and they are looking to break the mold that has been in the league. I know I have been saying that a lot. But I really like the Royals. I don't know why but I like them but I do. Wait I know why I do join me at the next paragraph and I'll tell you why.

The Royals are the Hooligans ! These are young kids trying to make a name for them selves after a few bad seasons. We totally are the same except for the whole they play major league baseball and we play week night softball but exactly the same. Speaking of the Hooligans(see what I did there) our first game was on June 8th and well we lost. But it was close 13-8 which is a lot closer then the last 3 opening days of 22-1, 15-4, and 19-8 so we have made a huge stride. Lots of highlights from this game. Really ! I am serious man we played a pretty good. Lets start with the Short stop, Mikey was all over the place making stabs and turnings two playing out of his mind. An outstanding diving catch by Rice , Big cat held it down at 1st and a 3-3 performance by Bones and My self . Bones had 2 rbis and I had three. But The game was determined the game. Around the 4th inning the other team had runners on 1st and 2nd with 1 out. Their batter hit a liner to right center Jmart tracked it perfectly made the chest high catch and sent a laser beam of a throw to M.D to get the runner at home. He was dead at the plate but the ump made a tough call that was in the other teams favor . Needless to say there were some words said and our fire was too much in that inning. It took us a little bit to hone it in and we gave up 5 runs that inning really sealing it. But Good things are to come. We have two games next week and the attitudes are running high. Hooligans softball is Hot fire.

Sorry Kc Royalists I got side tracked with my recap. I think there is great things to come for the Royals. With the downfall of the Twins, there is a chance for aggressive advancement like we've seen with the Indians and the Tigers this year. So I am going to rock my blue Royals hat at work everyday. Also I am a Huge Fan Of K.C Stlye BBQ... Well all style of Bbq




Brian Fuentes Gets His Wish, Bob Geren Got Fired

   
So the A's fired Bob Geren today, which is something crazy like their first mid-season managerial change since they've been in Oakland. They grabbed Bob Melvin, who used to manage in Arizona to take over as interim manager. It's tough to say that this comes as a surprise, the A's (who I'm still predicting to grab the AL West) have been struggling, with a bunch of injuries to their pitching staff and maybe the worst offense in the Major Leagues. The A's has a 27-36 record so far this season, which isn't very good, but with those nerds in Texas playing and pitching as well as they are, and the Mariners are all of a sudden pretty good, with two legit aces on their staff now, so the A's are in a much tougher AL West than they expected. Overall as a manager Geren finishes up his tenure with a 334-376 record, and the eternal hatred, for some reason, of any relief pitcher he's managed. Good luck Bob Melvin, you've inherited a much better franchise then the Mets.
   Anyone else notice the loss of hair going on in Major Leagues lately? Pujols shaved the other day and is so much less intimidating (minus hitting an insane home run) it's not even funny. Edinson Volquez stopped being the Predator while he was in the Minor Leagues and shaved his head. I think it's better personally, and as Baseball Zeus and Fashion god I'm a fairly good judge of these things. Aside from these hair issues, I'm terribly upset by these Yankee-Red Sox games. I hate watching the Yankees lose, but even more so to Boston degenerates like these. Also, CC, if you don't rock David Ortiz in the helmet with a fastball today, I'll be super upset with you. I'm well aware that this contradicts what I said about Bryce Harper the other day, but he's fucking David Ortiz and I hate him, so he for sure needs to get his ass rocked. For a rookie to act like a dick is one thing, but Ortiz knew for goddamn sure that he was being a fucking prick. That's really all I've got for you today folks, its too goddamned hot to be writing baseball posts.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The summer sun got you down, This should pick you up. If not Fuck off



Its about 100 degrees outside here in Ol' New York I got a couple of hours before I go to work and a few more until Opening Day For the Hooligans. So I am perplexed, what should I write about should I write about something thats important, a top 10 of good players you've never heard of, Or just satisfy my ego and talk up the Hooligans....(Time laps of an hour) Ok I'll do a little sample of them all. Like a triple sampler at any good bar that serves good food or whatever.

What the hell has happened to Chris Carpenter? Carpenter who is now the ace of the
Cardinals because of the injury to Adam Wainwright. But Carpenter is usually solid the last 2 years he posted up 33 wins and 13 loses. Thats pretty good buddy thats out of 63 starts but this year he is right now 1-5 with a 4.25 era. Uhmm what the hell dude? Whats going on with you? Now its just turned june so time is running out champ. Its not like you don't have the talent you've won the Cy young back in 05 and there is something else I am forgetting . OH yeah Albert Pujols is on your team. The Cards have the team now they need Carp to turn him self around so they can have legs in October. Lets face it The Cards are making it to the NLCS this year. But they need Carpenter to really bring it. I don't know if any team is going to be a seller in July but they might need to bring in a rental type pitcher to help out. Now I might be blowing this slow start out of proportion but he is on the Morgan Freemans and I need him to start winning like tomorrow so I can reclaim my glory as the best team in the league. Just think of it Halladay, Lester, Latos, and Carpenter all winning games... Unbeatable.

OK so I don't really want to write a full top 10 with the humor and all the crazy shit I normally do so I will give you 3 of the best players that are in the Majors who've you barely know but should because they are resickulus, (I love that word, my teachers once told me if I make up words I continue to look like a jackass. Well, Look at me now you bastards).

3. Justin Smoak- 1b Seattle Mariners-Smoak was a former Texas Ranger but was the key piece
of the Cliff Lee deal last season. The Mariners finally got something for Cliff Lee instead of a last
place finish. Now getting regular playing time instead of battling the Ron Dayne of baseball (Chris Davis), and not getting daily sermons from Josh Hamilton and declining bumps of coke from Ron Washington. Smoak has found a home in the emerald city playing smooth defense and crushing the ball from the left side of the plate. Justin Smoak and the surging Young Mariners should be playing the Nationals in the 2014 World Series and the ratings will be 60,002 people watching it . The last two will be M.D and My self.

2 Ricky Romero - Starting Pitcher Toronto Blue Jays-Romero is a rising star up north. The only
reason I am saying he is unknown is because he is the ace of the Blue Jays, He has won 32 games in his 3 years up in the bigs, and I drafted him in the 15th round of the fantasy draft. Seriously he can win over 14 games pitching against the Red Sox, Rays and Yankees more then 5 times each. Ricky is a slick lefty with nasty stuff but since he plays in the homer happy great north with some nasty shit. But Joey Batts ( that is seriously what Jose Bautista is calling him self these days)and J.P Aracnaphobia taking up the spotlight from the rest of the team. Romero has to win the Cy young to get a fancy nick name I guess.

1. Neil Walker-2b Pittsburg Pirates-This is my dude right here
. Walker is in the top 20 of Rbis .
He was drafted as a 3rd basemen but since the Pirates have Pedro Alvarez who hasn't wowed anyone on the big league level. But Neil has been great hitting behind Charlie Murphy's bastard child Andrew McCuthen. Seriously google it. I think Walker might make the All star team. I also think I am going to be drafted 15th in this years Nba draft. But he has been a great prospect for the buckos.

Today starts the 3rd summer of the HOOLIGANS. Now overall we are 6-24 but we are a plucky group of young upstarts. This could be our year, we have a rebuilt outfield with the return of our buddy Rice from cali( I was gonna write about the dodgers or Angels but this is better) who joins Joey E, Rudy- who can't fail and J-mart who is hustling fools outta their cash. We have a budding pitching staff held down by the always funky Bkens ( he is the guitarist and yes he wrote the song) with Rudy as our #2 and J-mart as our closer. It was just as uncomfortable to write that as how funny you think it is that we have a closer. Our leader behind the plate. M.D with the fire of Ireland and the swing of Mark Mcgwire. M.D is the Johnny Bench of the Hooligans. If ground balls were home runs he'd be Hank Aaron. Im kidding he is a defensive wizard like Pudge Rodriguez. That brings us to the infield. What can I say about the Infield that hasn't been said before. Young, Talented, cat like reflexes tremendous leadership at the hot corner. As I return to the position I am born to play , Mikey and new comer Coletti take up the middle and it is all held down by second year 1st basemen Tommy The Big Cat. Lets not forget the bench that the Hooligans have some say it's the best in the league others say they are nice enough guys who mean well. Bones and J-fly can play multiple spots if need be. Bones has zen like focus at the dish where he wont swing unless it's a meatball. And With J-fly's new found enthusiasm and emerging raw talent he is poised to set up big for the hooligans this year. This should be a huge year for the Hooligans because a lot is on the line . Not only our we hunting for our first season with more then 2 wins. There as been an ultimatum placed. If we cannot win 4 or more games the Hooligans name and Jerseys will be vacated and left for history. So do we have what it takes? Should I have the readers of Phantom Ballplayer pick our new name? Should we give weekly updates and reviews of our games along with the witty reviews .Lists or whatever the hell you call my writing ? Yes, to all of those questions .