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Monday, January 23, 2012

Welcome Home, Russel Jones.

    I'm back. It was time, and as I said earlier, you dumb motherfuckers have been zipping along, watching ESPN without a clue as to what's really going down around the baseball Yu-Niverse (get it? I will not mention fucking Yu Darvish again for the rest of the post; except to say that "I like to wear t-shirts with English writing" is maybe the best excuse ever for rocking a t-shirt with a straight pot leaf on it on your 3rd day in America). I was going to do a giant recap of everything that happened since the last time I got around to writing something on here, but you've already heard about it, and it'll bore you as much as it would me, so I'm jumping back into shit feet-first, as if I never left at all.
   Thank fucking God the Red Sox traded away Marco Scutaro. I've never been more excited to watch a player leave the American League East. Dude has been a pain in my ass since he was a Blue Jay. Good for the Rockies though, after being the little team that almost could for so long, they've made huge moves in terms of getting themselves on track. Scutaro and good 'ol Mikey Cuddyer will be great additions to that clubhouse, hopefully letting a far too old Jason Giambi take a rest now and again. (Keep an eye out for Giambi in one of those "Just For Men" commercials with Keith Hernandez one of these days, that grey goatee is fucking unsightly.) Scutaro at second base will be a huge upgrade over this Jonathan Herrera/ Chris Nelson platoon, which accounted for a whopping 7 home runs and a stellar .246 batting average. That's almost tied with Scutaros' individual totals from last year, by the way. Anyway, I would love to say that the Rockies have a chance this year, especially in a division as godawful as the NL West, but the Diamondbacks have too much starting pitching to be fucked with.
      If I had known how easy it was to get fake ID's in Latin America, I wouldn't have spent hours with a white crayon trying to chalk mine in high school. Fausto Carmona, or Roberto Hernandez Heredi, pulled that shit off beautifully. Leo Nunez got caught for the same thing earlier this offseason. I get it, past a certain age, Major League Scouts won't look at you, so you gotta make some shit up. Juan Carlos Oviedo became Leo Nunez. Fucking weak. That name sucks. My boy Roberto though, he changed his name to Fausto Fucking Carmona. Say what you will about his mediocre pitching skills, that name is boss as all get out. It sounds tough as hell. "Me and my boy Fausto went out this weekend, drank some 40's and then he beat the shit out of some dude." Replace that with Leo, it's just not working. Anyways, I'd do just about anything to make it to the Major Leagues, so if you have to change your name and lie about your age, do it. Who is it really hurting?
      Jesus Montero pumped me the fuck up. Kid is like the number one prospect the Yankees have, comes up last year for a cup of coffee, and puts on a show, I loved it. He seemed like the kind of Yankee everyone could get behind; came up through their farm system, sucked a bit defensively, but could pound the fuck out of the ball. That's all 90 percent of the fans want anyways. Boom traded to the Mariners. Gone until he's about 30, when the Yankees will resign him for a butt-ton of money. In the meantime we scooped up Michael Pineda and Hiroki Kuroda. Pineda has me a bit worried. Sort of unproven, but if he pans out, and your resident baseball Zeus thinks he probably will, good old Cash-man is a genius. With a rotation that basically contained CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova, and various piles of shit, my boys were shot. Boom! One night, like four hours, and the Yankees had a real fucking rotation for the first time since...quite a while. Kuroda was totally underrated, and his record is no reflection of his stuff, but more of a reflection of the fact that the Dodgers are fucking terrible. Pineda, same deal as Kuroda. He kept his stuff as good as can be expected for a first year pitchers, but the Mariners scored like 25.2 runs for all of last season, so his record isn't a complete reflection of him either. All in all, good work by the Yankees, will I go so far as to pull a Josh Beckett and predict 100 wins? No, because I'm not a fucking dickhead.
      On a final note, something really really amazing happened to me at the end of last season. It probably happened to a lot of you too, but I didn't get to discuss it on here. How fucking glorious was it to watch the Red Sox collapse? I try to not be too much of a homer on here, but I usually fail pretty miserably, and this time I just can't help it. It was so goddamned beautiful.

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