On the eve of the most exciting time in basketball the All-Star weekend but the one story I just can't get over is Ryan Braun walking away free and clear from his whole steroids issue. If you don't know or haven't heard , before the end of 2011 the winner of the 2011 N.L. M.V.P award Ryan Braun tested positive for elevated testosterone which is cause for a 50 game suspension in the newer pitcher friendly MLB. Unlike most rule breakers Braun came out swinging he had his agent and a bunch of Brewers brass say that the test came out with strange and unusual circumstances(he's got the Herp from Aaron Rodgers sloppy seconds) and pretty much tried splitting the opinion of the masses and the press. But yesterday Braun was cleared of all his charges because of a flub in the testing process which opens the door for a whole bunch of shit. I have watched enough Law and Order SVu on netflix to know that when someone gets off to a technicality it sets up a new president where former offenders can appeal their crime and then rape and murder people again... That show needs some new story lines.
But the thing is I don't care about the verdict frankly I think Braun is a huge douche. He tested positive for something, wether he was cleared or not he did something against the drug testing policy and he is acting like a victim. Lets not act like "former" owner Bud Selig didn't have his crypt keeper hands in this from the fucking start. Now I have to see Braun talk about integrity its like Bill Clinton talking about what is ,is . I am surprised it has taken me this long but this post is going to be a list . Yes, I am bringing it back . This is going to be an All star roster of Douche bags in baseball. It has taken me almost a year to do this I really need to brain storm some ideas on paper before I go it this all free and easy.
I guess the name of the team should be the Philly Yankees since were are talking about douches and Philly is a town who's water supply is straight douche liquid and the Yankees embody the essences of Summer eve.
Here is your starting line up
Catcher : A.J Pierzynski - I am surprised this guy didn't ask to go to Miami with Ozzie. Once called a team cancer and frequent reciver of punches in the face A.J whines and bitches about pretty much every call during the season. Normally I would have picked Joe Mauer or Buster Posey but there is a difference between being a douche and being over rated.
First Base : Miguel Caberra - Wether its sipping and cruseing around the Detroit area, getting into argument with his "dog" who left human sized scratch marks on his face ,always showing up to spring training a few more pounds over weight each year or his all out hustle to first base Miguel Caberra is one of the few 5 tool players who sold off 3.5 of them so he can get a few more rounds at the club and a few more sandwiches but becareful don't talk to him while he is eating because he will probably punch you in the face.
Second Base : Chase Utley - He hasn't commited a crime , beat anyone up , or done anything really awful he is just a huge douche... in my opinion . He is all about Peta and being in your face about adopt pet not buy one which is kind of douchey because what happens to the poor dog who isn't getting purchased ? Think about that ... Also once his name gets thrown around in the Mvp race he rolls up faster then .... Well you get it .
Third Base : Alex Rodrieguz - Do I really need to explain why he is a douche. Slapping the ball away, bringing his own food to restaurants , declaring to be a free agent during game 2 of the World series and then begging the Yankees to take him back at an over blown contract , never really saying the right thing, having a painting of him as a minotar hanging in his bedroom so the he/shes he beds can see his unclutchness and OH YEAH he took Steroids from 2001 - 2005 and had nothing bad happen to him.
Short Stop : Derek Jeter - the Contract terrorist. He has basically handcuffed a franchise for the length of his new contract. Did the Yankees need to give him a 4 year deal ? No where the hell was he going to go. Not many teams are looking to give a 35+ short stop who has very little range (yes his range is weak. The only reason why he "still has it" is because those stupid jump throws which are simple back hand grabs that better short stops make easy and he has Robinson Cano doing all the work) who still thinks he can hit at the top of the line up when he hasn't stole more then 19 bases since 2009 and who is now hurt more then normal but he refuses to give up the short stop position because he thinks he is special Cal Ripken did it , Robin Yount did it you're not better then them maybe Yount but not better then Ripken
Right Field : Manny Ramirez - Just another case of Manny being Manny I guess. I don't know if his troubles were a fabrication of the Red Sox smear department but either way He pushed an old dude down, wont play against tough right handed pitchers , took pills to help him ready his ovaries for carrying David Ortiz baby and took steroids oh wait he took steroids twice. He is now hanging out in the A's farm system because they know the value of a dollar and will spend wisely to win . Like send off their best two pitchers and their closer for shitty prospects . MONEYBALL !
Center Field : Josh Hamilton - I once respected this guy but then after he went on his whole Jesus kick because he was a drug addict and whatever. The funny thing is that while Hamilton is trying to get a new contract from the ATM known as the Texas Rangers he hit the club or a bar or a 7-11 and had a drink. Josh has not really told how much he drank actually he never answered any questions about his " stumble' which is crap. I understand your a big league ball player but the Rangers have hired people to watch over you. I have no idea what its like to really go ape shit on vices but I know if I had an outlet like getting ready to play Major League Baseball I wouldn't slip up so much. Seriously in the past like 3 weeks I haven't really done to much and I bet if I had a work out program ,one of those Texas wives and 11 million dollars and the only thing that would keep me from getting more money I wouldn't go near bad influences. It's easy pay $15 for an 18 or get paid 50 million dollars ... Cash Money...This has to be the funniest photo shopped photo I have ever seen.
Left Field : Ryan Braun - See above paragraph. To further my reason why I think Braun took something. Look at Prince Fielder how fast did that dude want out of the Walkee ? He knew what was up and knew that if Braun got the 50 the Brew crew would be dead ass in the water. Douche to the power of 9.
You're Starting Pitcher :
Cole Hammels - this smug jerk off has been running his mouth ever since he beat the Dodgers a way back. For a guy who is one part of the "best rotation " ever he sure does get his ass kicked by lower level teams way to often. He thinks he should be an ace but puts up # 2 stats. During the 2009 season when the Phillies were getting molested by the Yankees he said "I just want the season to be over already" because he was getting his ass handed to him every time out there and since the Phillies have been a huge disappointment in the Playoffs ever since they lost the World Series I don't think they will be anything god this year.
Your Closer :
Brian Wilson - the act is over since the Giants couldn't even make the playoffs last year. Nobody fears the beard any more and when you're a closer and have a 3.11 era and blow 5 saves in a division that decided by 8 games. Granted he didn't blow games at the end of the season which caused the overrated Giants pitching staff to not close the gap against the D-backs but with him being a huge tool and not getting serious when it counts cause me to think Wilson is thinking about life after baseball while he is still playing.
Yeah thats it these are the biggest Douches in the game right now. Also side note the Twins are huge d-bags because they are going to use former MVP Justin Morneau as the full time first basemen as he still recovers from concussion like symptoms. Justin has to be the Dh no question it will keep him healthy and he is such a good dude that pitchers wont go head hunting on him. Thome is off the team so it's not like there is someone that can only be a dh is there , they signed up Ryan Doubt who can play catcher, first base and out field so they can legit start Doubt or Mauer behind the plate or at first base. But since the Twins realized they suck without Kirby Puckett and Torii Hunter they are doomed to always be the Yankees bitch. Good job on killing the only guy who can hit home runs on your team.