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Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Because I know you missed me and my goto move

    Sometimes we come to a point in our lives where we see commercials for food and say in public " Oh that is so gross how could anyone eat that shit" but in all reality you're thinking " dude when I am done drinking I am going to eat that thing so hard. When I am done they staff at taco bel is gonna have to call Olivia Benson and the gang because this is going to be graphic. I will basically fuck it with my entire face," don't act like you have never said it. Don't judge me because I may or may not have said this at a church function. But what ever back to the point. So they have all these commercials these days with food that looks so "bad" that I know I will  and have eaten because I am a fat drunk and I always seem to have enough money crumbled up in my pocket at the end of the night to get the item that will kill me in 5 years. So here it is a list of shit that will get you through those rough nights after you fallen in the street trying to hail a cab and forgot the curb was there.... I was going to use the picture of the Hoff drunk and eating a cheese burger but this one is so much better.

     The First thing is if you live in the New York area mainly Queens or Long Island part you have to go to Cherry Valley deli. It's a 24 hour spot that has pretty awesome sandwiches that hit that spot when you are almost so lit up that you can only say a few words. They have sandwiches called  TCS, Corona, beast and a Bacon Roll which is 10 strips of bacon on a roll . I can't even talk about it without getting an itch to order up at least $40 dollars worth of stuff.  They have a website and you can order through the website so now the only thing you have to do is remember what your name is and pay them and they will give food.  I think I am getting a Corona with a Couch ( french Fries with cheese with brown gray I think you Canadians call that pooteen  or what ever ) a bacon roll with a large soda and maybe something sweet to end it. Fuck it just check it out and get fat  for your self.

  I guess We can talk about late night fast food and when you talk about late night fast food there are only two spots that have zero fear staying open up passed 2 am. Taco Bell and White Castle  also know as the asshole breakers. No matter how good your night went if you end up at one of these joints you're morning will be terrible. By no means am I saying that the food is bad, thats not my call thats the health inspectors call and since they are still open and they seem to have that whole eccoli  thing figured out so its cool to eat there. I am just saying you're going to shit  molten lava in like 5 hours.

    I know T-bezy  has that dorittos  thing which I didn't really care for but then again I was sober and it was the day time but I bet when I have a few adult beverages that dorittos taco thing will be the greatest thing I have ever had. Though I feel if Taco Bell ever decided to start a late night delivery service I can see their stocks exploding like disney's and they will take over the globe .  Plus they would save a ton of lives. Actually I told one of the guys who works the night shift there that and I think he is in the big office now. So when you stumble inside and when your eyes finish adjusting order this : #7 with steak, Two crunchy gordita crunches, 1/2 lb beef and potato burrito, and a Code Red Mt. Dew.  I do find it funny that their slogan is or was " Think out side the bun" when you ass is normally called buns. I mean think about it.

   White Castle is a different story because there is no excuse to go to White Castle in the day time. White castle is basically the vampire or raccoon of fast food chains. If you are in White Castle when the suns out something is seriously wrong.The fact they have a  breakfast menu is laughable. But listen when the Crave hits you at 2:30 in the morning nothing hits the spot like 10 sliders with a large chocolate  milk shake game over man. But you have to go into W/C with very limited expectations for not shitting your pants by 2:45. I don't know if it's the combo of the Pickles and soggy bread or the onion pelts with the beef they use but you cannot go a full 23 hours without praying for your life as you startle your toilet. I think White Castle knows it's the last ditch effort for sustenance for people who have a choice  between " I really need to get the alcohol out" .

   If you find a Wendy's , Burger King, McDonald's , or  Kfc  open late night you know what you have to get .
Wendy's : Triple with Cheese and BBq sauce with a large Dr. Pepper with a Vanilla frosty and a minimum of 10 chicken nuggets and you dunk those Phuckers  in the frosty and enjoy your life choices

Burger King : Just get a shit ton of fries because  thats the only edible thing there.

McDonald's :  Double Quarter pounder with cheese and 20 chicken Nuggets a Large  Dr. Pepper and if you want to get a McFulry I wont be mad at you. But You get Ranch Dressing and you put a few fries and nuggets on the burger and slap some sauce on that gross mother fucker and eat.

KFC: If they have that Double down thing get 2 of them and a diet Coke because you have to watch your calories bro you don't want to die . Unlike the time me and M.D ( remember him)? Went to KFC during our break from work and put up the Mega ( gallon of soda) Jug challenge. To be on equal ground we chose A&W Root beer because it was heavier and you can't really chug root beer without vomiting. Needless to say no one won that game and the idea of a mega jug makes me shutter in fear.

   Also go to any diner and get a shit ton of pancakes because pancakes are fucking awesome. I don't know who the first person who was like " I will just mix up a whole bunch of awesome and then put it on a skillet and then flip it a few times and then I'll put syrup on it. Then when I am feeling slightly adventurous I'll throw some chocolate chips in the batter and make syrups that taste like other things and It will mainly be considered a breakfast food but  really everyone will know the deal." I think it was Paul IHop. the proprietor of Ihop.

    Look this wasn't great but I know for a fact that one night in the near future when your at the bars or club and those hunger pangs strike. Remember the wisdom I gave you here today, it will serve you well.  Hold on does Cherry Valley make Pancakes??????? HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY DO ! Game on mother fuckers GAME FUCKING ON!

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