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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Me Vs The Olympics : probably just as interesting as the Olympics (Spoiler alert Its' not that good)



  For some unknown reason the Olympics are coming back this summer and it's going to be in all places London. Now while I do have the upmost respect for all the competitors that have had they personal lives sacrificed by their parents I do not consider most of the events in the Olympics sports.  How the fuck is power walking considered a sport yet Football isn't even thought of ? Or  no matter what they call it ping pong is not really a sport. So since the IOC is all about fringe sports I feel it's my duty as a human and a somewhat athlete to suggest some sports so that the Olympics will be watched by the general public instead of soccer moms , meth addicts, coma patients , and Assholes who think they are better then everyone else because they bought roots jackets on sale at DICK'S.


  Suggestion #1 

1. Beer Pong, Flip Cup, Etc basically Beerfest  : Look we all have seen that movie and we all have tried one night to get all your buddies and as many girls in your house while your family is away on a trip to your aunts and uncles condo in West Palm beach. But It failed miserably because of 3 reasons : Funding, how much time should the events take and really not enough hot girls to motivate shit talking ( lets face it if it's just you and your bros all you talk about is sports and past times, but when girls are there the only words that are spoken are these vulgar phrases that would make Larry Flint say chill)or maybe buying the wrong type of Red cups lets face it when you're stumbling through the super market after having a few dinner beers your just grabbing the first red cup you see.  Also you don't want to be the dick who sets the fucking rules even though it your house you pretty much just say "Whatever works " but since the IOC loves making rules and shit like that they can be the nerd who sets rules how many cups in play, if its timed, if you make rules after every shot or round win , you know the Un fun shit of drinking irresponsibly.  Think about it 

Suggestion #2
2. Completive  Douching - Hold on let me explain. Not the summers eve type of douche thats just demeaning and a little gross. No I am talking about rounding up the hugest douche bags of every country and pitting them against each other in a series of events that are geared for douche bags. It can be a 5 layered event that goes 
1. Picking up chicks-Combatents will try to pick up 4 different types of chicks  ( Stupid Hot ones, ones that roll with 2 mother hens , the girls who wont stop talking about their recent advanced degree ,politics,or how their friends are all getting married or having kids but they are staying single because they have a plan and the toughest of them all the self aware one )  Each douche has to get the digits of each girl  in a set amount of time. But if they fail they have a chance to gain some points by lying to their bros about why they couldn't lock it up.
1a. Getting drinks from guys - Yes the ladies are douches too. So whats going to happen is jus the opposite  from the dudes. 4 types of guys are going to come up to the contestant and throw down their "game" and they will be judge on their ... well judgement. Guys like Chris Brown, Pauly  D, a Wall Street bro, and a funny, chubby, aggressively balding blogger who has a pretty awesome personality  will approach each "athlete".   

2. Dressing them selves mens and women event  - We all know the douchey  uniform. But it changes there is the Shore douche , the hipster douche, the punk douche, the intellectual douche and finally the sports douche. They will get judged on hair cuts and  sun glasses. Yeah I know it sounds really gay to have douche bags to basically have a fashion show a panel of judges  : Henry Rollins, Liam Neeson, Louis C.K , Emma Stone, Mila  Kunis  and one other female judge to  round out the panel will judge the douches on how they present them selves in public.

3. Driving in a parking lot Mens and Women event - How many spots can they steal, How many children can they almost run over, how many side view mirrors can they clip, how many texts or tweets they can send out  and how loud can they play their "music" in a given amount of time.

4. Conducting them selves in public - How  loud can they talk on their cell phones,  how many curse words they can use in a conversation about puppies ( replacing like and umm with Fucking and Shit ) , What they order and if they use instagram  to let everyone know what they are about to eat and how they treat others ( holding doors for old people, saying thank you to people who serve them ,and actually being interested in what others have to say) . This is the endurance trail. It's a marathon of douche baggary . It takes a tested Douche to complete each event with a championship level of commitment.  You see it will take the biggest douche to just only be about themselves and treat others like moving obstacles.

5. Letting them say what they personal opinion is about things - Politics , society as a whole, races, sports, books, movies , the whole sha  bang a bang


Suggestion # 3

Curling - The somewhat most popular sport of the winter olympic should be the main attraction of every Olympics no matter what season. When people think of those stupid rings they think of the event where you glide a stone down a section of a hockey rink while two people sweep in front of it or whatever . I don't fucking get  why is this a sport it's fucking point less. It's the sport of cleaning, its like if they had competitive dish washing or dusting ( I know what you'r thinking Mexico would dominate... racist) But what I don't get most of all is why this is so fucking popular what the hell is your problem this is single handily the dumbest excuse for a vacation " Oh I am on the olympic curling team" thats basically saying " Yeah, I wanted to be a teacher but my parents would only pay for law school" . Fuck I hate the Olympics fuck this . You know what my suggestion is : FUCK THE OLYMPICS just fuck 'em in their stupid face. I would say don't watch but it looks like everyone is all ready doing that.


   If the USA didn't have a basketball team the Olympics would be unwatchable. It would be like a marathon of Whitney and Chelsea Handler stand up. They are not funny so stop telling me they are changing comedy because they say penis  and the Olympics are not interesting so stop telling me they are because parents ruin their children's life because they never made it anywhere. How funny is it when the camera man show one of their competitors parents and they are this fat mess. Fucking hilarious! If you like the Olympics I have an event for you to compete in




                          

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