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Friday, March 30, 2012

Yeah Baby I am your fantasy... Yeah that is the worst title ever in the history of titles

 Remember when I said something concerning fantasy baseball and how I am  ready to win this year . Well, it's on mother phuckers .  But unlike the other year I am now the proud manager of 2 future championship winning teams. I am so alone ... So in normal fashion I will list my players . I guess I should do by round ? Yeah thats what I'll do since making list is my strong suit. Before I start  how awesome are these Gatorade commercials with Jordan's game 5 performance where he played through the flu or the Black plague or what ever it's moving.
   I wish gatorade looked at my softball team because I have that same will and determination. For example This one game  the Hooligans were about to go up against some faceless goons who probably would have beat us. But there was a big rain storm and it was questionable if we would play. I was coming down with a  pretty gnarly fever so in an act of bravery and courage I got gear up to play , called the league and found out the game was cancelled. After telling my whole team that we had the night off I then passed out  waking up 2 hours later thinking that me and my dog were the last two surviving  members of the world and I freaked out a little bit . So yeah how about it Gatorade?  Just imagine  passing out when it was kinda light out side and then waking up it being pitch black outside and no one is around. Thats pretty heroic, not freaking out too much with a fever riddled mind. I think thats worth a life time supply of Gatorade, don't you ? I mean I was 100% certain I was the only one who survived and I did not even look at my cell phone and saw that I had 5 missed calls. Turned out I made plans to go to the movies that night.


 Team 1 : The Rally Beers : Head to Head league  8th pick overall in a machine gun type draft ( I made up this style... I think ) it's a 12 team league. So first round  goes 1-12 , second round goes  2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10,11,12, then 1 so basically everyone gets to be the 1 pick and the 12th pick. At first its complicated but after a few rounds you get it.

Round
1. Troy Tulowitzki SS
2. Ian  Kindler 2b
3. Giancarlo (Mike) Stanton OF
4.  Ryan Zimmerman 3b
5. Craig Krimbel   Rp
6. Paul Konerko  1b
7. Brian McCann C
8. Adam Wainwright Sp
9. Jose Valverde Rp
10. Ricky Romero Sp
11. David Robertson Rp
12. Tim Hudson Sp
13. Peter Bourgeois  OF
14. Carlos Lee OF/1b
15. Logan Morrison OF (Steal)
16. Johan Santana Sp ( Low Risk High reward)
17. Vance Worley Sp
18. Edwin Jackson Sp
19. Lucas Duda OF/1b
20. Jake Peavy Sp
21 Alex Gonzalez SS
22. Mike Aviles 2b.3b,SS
23. Bryce Harper Of
24. Miguel Olivo C

   This is the league I run so I wanted to get away from sleepers and being pitcher heavy while leaving me with no offense . I am a more balanced team with great players all around.  I took some risks with my pitchers actually not taking an Ace until the 8th. Seriously I had zero offense last year the only had 2 guys hit over 20 homers on my team last year.



  Second team : The Duda Abides ( Get it ) 8th overall pick in the snake draft in a rotisserie style league , which I never did before but I am pretty pumped. I actually had zero time to prep for this because my buddy Rice called me up like an hour before the draft started. What ever Clowns be foolin if they think they can beat this squad.... I am so Happy that someone with photo shop made this photo its brilliant.

Round
1. Joey Votto 1b
2. Justin Verlander Sp
3.Curtis Granderson OF
4. Jered Weaver Sp
5. Brandon Phillips 2b
6. Assurable  Cabrera SS
7. Michael Young 1b,2b,3b
8.Brian McCann C
9. Jonathan Papelbon  Rp
10. Daniel Hudson  Sp
11. Brett Gardner OF
12. Jose Valverde Rp
13. Ricky Romero SP
14. Cameron Maybin  OF
15. Nick Swisher OF/ 1b
16. Tim Hudson Sp
17. David Robertson Rp
18. Tyler Clipart  Rp
19. Carlos Lee OF/1b
20. Edwin Jackson
21. Mike Aviles   2b,3b,SS
22. Vance Worley Sp
23.  Russell Martin C

    Now that is a team baby. Pitching Hitting and Wins suck it bitches. Oh yeah Holds are a big thing in both leagues. Hold on ... wait do you smell that ? Take a deep breath . Thats the smell of victory! Yeah buddy  ! Get At me Bro. Clear the Streets I am marching. Which I might  if I win both leagues ? I will march down the Middle of the "main street " of my town.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

The one good thing about baseball season... I can write the same thing but change a few names and its a brand new post.

     I needed a few days to cry over my once strong bracket. Gotta be kidding me UNC looked out matched that whole game. Whatever I don't want to talk about college sports any more.  Instead I want to talk about baseball, can't you feel it just a few more days until it starts up again , it's a good feeling right in the belly.  But since everyone out there is trying to predict the projected line ups of each team and its fine I just want to do a few teams because lets face it I don't have all day and you don't really care.  
                                             


 Today I will do  some AL Teams and tomorrow I will do some NL teams 

Toronto Blue Jays 
1. Yule Escobar SS
2. Kelly Johnson 2b 
3. Jose Bautista RF
4. Adam Lind 1b
5. Brett Lawrie 3b
6. J.P Arencibia C
7. Colby Rasmus CF
8. Edwin Encarncion dh
9. Eric Thames LF  

Pitchers 
1. Ricky Romero ,2.  Brandon Marrow , 3. Dustin McGowan, 4. Brett Cecil, 5. Henderson Alvarez 

* Look for guys like Escobar and Encarncion to step up big due to the tutelage of Omar Vizquel.  This could be the year the Blue Jays get back in the hunt since Rasmus can bang out Tony Larussa's daughter no strings attached. 


Kansas City Royals 
1. Lorenzo Cain CF
2. Alex Gordon LF
3. Billy Butler Dh
4. Eric Hosmer 1b
5. Mike Moustakas 3b
6. Jeff Franker RF
7. Chris  Getz 2b
8. Brayan Pena C
9. Alcides Escobar SAs

Pitchers 
1. Luke Hochevar , 2. Jonathan Sanchez , 3. Bruce Chen, 4. Dan Duffy , 5. Felipe Paulino 

* The Royals need young guys like Hosmer and Mosutakas to live up to the hype to make anything happen until their superstar prospect catcher comes back. Also this is the year Hochevar has to step up and be an ace.  

Seattle Mariners 
1. Chone Figgins 3b
2. Dustin Ackley 2b
3. Ichro Rf
4. Mike Carp Lf
5.Justin Smoak 1b
6.Jesus Montero dh
7. Miguel Olivio C
8.Franklin Gutierrez CF
9. Brendan Ryan SS
Pitchers 
1, Felix Hernandez , 2.Jason Vargas, 3.Hector Noesi ,  4. Kevin Millwood , 5. Blake Beavan 
* Umm I think Seattle is still trying to figure it out. They got bitch slapped on the last two big trades they did. With Cliff Lee going for peanuts and Michael Pineda deal not yet showing how big of a bust it will be. So I deem the Mariners Mets West. 

Oakland A's
1. Jemile Weeks 2b
2. CoCo Crisp CF
3. Seth Smith LF
4. Brandon Allen 1b
5. Josh Reddick RF
6. Johnny Gomez Dh
7. Cliff Pennington SS
8. Eric Sogard 3b
9. Kurt Suzuki C
Pitchers 
1. Brandon McCarthy , 2. Dallas Braden, 3. Tom Milone , 4. Graham Godfrey , 5. Brad Peacock 

* Honestly this was hard to figure out what the hell they are going to do. They have Cespedes  who they gave bunch of money to but he is only hitting .200 right now so maybe a half a year in the minors. 

Detroit Tigers 
1. Austin Jackson CF
2. Brennan Boesch  RF
3. Prince Fielder 1b
4. Miguel Cabrera 3b
5. Delmon  Young dh  
6.Johnny Peralta SS
7. Ryan Raburn  2b
8. Andy Dirks  LF
9. Alex Avila C
Pitchers 
1. Justin Verlander , 2. Max Scherzer, 3. Doug Fister  , 4. Rick Porcello , 5. Andrew Oliver

* Dirks and Young will split time out in left but Dirks is having the off season of his life so the Tigers will play the hot hand until they get another guy who can hit 50 home runs... Yes this sad looking Tiger is one of the original logos for the Tigers. I don't know about you but I would wear a hat with the pessimistic Tiger.   


 Now for my  Least favorite 


New York Yankees 
1.  Derek Jeter SS
2.  Curtis Granderson  CF
3. Mark Teixiera  1b
4. Alex Rodriguez 3b
5. Robinson Cano 2b
6. Nick Swisher RF
7. Raul Ibanez / Andruw  Jones Dh
8.Russell Martin C
9. Brett Gardner LF

What is should be 
1. Brett Gardner LF
2. Nick Swisher RF
3. Robinson Cano 2b
4. Alex Rodriguez 3B
5. Mark Teixaria  1B
6.  Curtis Granderson  CF
7. Russell Martin C
8. Raul Ibanez  / Andruw  Jones DH
9. Derek Jeter SS

Pitchers 
1. C.C Sabthia  , 2. Hiroki  Kuroda  , 3. Ivan Nova,  4. Michael Pineda , 5. Phil Hughes 

* Lets not pretend that no matter who they pencil in anywhere isn't going to produce. Thats what happens when you play in a little league field with a wind tunnel. Derek Jeter should not be hitting at the top of this line up because Nick Swisher  makes a better #2 hitter and  Brett Gardner is probably the best base stealer in the AL.  Andy Pettitte  wont be up until May , just in time to send down Pineda for getting lit up by the A's. 

Boston Red Sox 
1. Jacoby  Elsbury  CF
2.Ryan Sweeney RF
3. Adrian Gonzalez 1b
4. Kevin Youkilis  3b 
5. Dustin Pedroia  2b
6. David Ortiz Dh
7. Mike Aviles  SS  
8. Jarad Saltalamacchia  C
9. Carl Crawford Lf 
   
Pitchers 
1. Jon Lester , 2. Josh Beckett, 3. Clay Buchholz , 4. Dice-K , 5. Daniel Bard 

* Does anyone else think the Red Sox might lay another egg this year too? After writing this line up down I have like 30% confidence that this line up is not as good as the others.  It could be how I feel about Bobby Valentine but I have very little faith in the Red Sox. 


Los Angeles of Anaheim of Californian of the West Coast of the United States of America Angels 
1. Peter Bourjos  CF
2. Howie Kendrick 2b
3. Albert Pujols  1b
4. Kendrys  Morales Dh
5. Torii Hunter RF
6. Vernon Wells LF
7. Mark Trumbo 3b
8. Chris Innate C
9. Erick Aybar  SS
Pitchers 
1. Jared Weaver , 2. Dan Haren  , 3. C. J. Wilson, 4. Ervin Santana 5. Does it really matter 

* The Angels have enough now to shut up those dicks from Texas who I wont list their line up . You have to figure either the Rangers or the Angels are getting the Wild Card spot and everyone else is playing for the second.   The Angels are stacked up with talent and will probably be sellers come the trade deadline because they have "Mickey Mantle V.5000" in their system. 



    That was the AL full of power and Douches (C.J. Wilson)  tomorrow I'll get into the powerless NL.  Yes the National League so much good pitching so little good hitting but don't worry once the hitters get good they'll go to the American League 

Saturday, March 24, 2012

I've got the MARCH MADNESS!!!!!


  I am going insane with March MADNESS or it might be Valley Fever. But I am killing it right now on my bracket. I want to keep t short because I start these fucking things and I can't sleep all night. But I would first like to thank everyone who has read and continued to read and to those who give us page views by going on Google images... Keep it up you creepy bastards. Seriously since Halloween Slut-o-ween has been in the top keyword searches ... it's been like 5 months.  I guess there are more games to be played and other shit . But LETS GO TAR HEELS !!!



                        

Friday, March 23, 2012

The Fuck is Hunger Games and all the questions that I want answered immediately


                                    

    The World is about to be set on fire by "The Hunger Games" this weekend and I am asking What the fuck are the Hunger Games? I get it that theres a bunch of kids who are not fat who have to kill each other on a t.v show staring the world famous supporting Sutherland I mean I have heard that shit before. That movie Your's mine and our's  the same fucking thing. The one thing I can't understand is when I ask people " Hey do you know what this is ? Oh you do , thats great whats it really about?" and the mirrored answer I get is that "It's amazing... So good , you'd love it "  That doesn't answer the question , neither does giving me a link to buy it on Amazon.Com Aunt Karen thanks but I am not going to buy the book or read the reviews from some face less person. What I want is someone to sit down with me with a poster board with  nice drawings of different locations  in the book and cut out figures of the characters and basically act out the scenes. I want to know I am intrigued by this phenomenon . Also I am having trouble finding Jennifer Lawrence attractive. Which is insane because I was all about here when X-men came out and then I saw the movie and just hated 85% of it.

  Ok so thats not really the biggest concern that I am having. I mean Jennifer Lawrence is  very good looking. She is just above post-Mean Girls Lindsay Lohan but not even close to Emmy Rossum  or Alison Brie. I am just extremely tired of that trailers with the whole " I volunteer " crap I get it your upset because your sister won the raffle . What ever  It comes off as needy .





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      I like how that when I am googling some images about this stupid fucking thing. I am seeing that these suffering Harry Potter nerds who are like dying zombies just hoping that something can feed their need to feel like they are better then everyone because they read a children's book and took it way to seriously. Side not I spent at least 3 days after the last book was released going around work and seeing people that work for me reading it just telling them some bull shit ending like " I read the book and Hermoine turns out to be a double agent... and a guy " or "  Harry finds out Voldermort's his real dad and he gets his hand cut off." and " Why don't you get back to work , I am not fucking paying you to read. You stupid jackass! " So these sad sacks are so into whats going on they are doing this stupid three finger boy scout shit  which I guess someone does. But it looks like they are hailing Hitler. It's so fucking funny.  And Harry Potter sucks, You realize that the Hunger Games are going to get murdered by the Avengers , Batman , and Will Smith . WILL SMITH IS COMING BACK TO FUCK YOUR SHIT UP . GET JIGGY WITH IT. na na na na na na  . Making zero friends with this parragraph .



    I really hope that this post gets really popular and maybe my youthful naivety will pull at the heart strings of  someone and actually do the whole cut outs on the poster board. I think that would be awesome it would make my 2012. Fuck the end of the world or what ever that shit would be the highlight of my life. The thing is I wouldn't laugh I would  be so into it that I would entertain the idea of seeing the movie because right now I have no plan in just throwing my money in this fire pit. I would sit chin in my hands as this person teaches me "The Hunger Games" it would be like some old school pre-school shit... I have a very visual learning process. I want this for my birthday. It doesn't even need to be "The Hunger Games" I just want something pre-school explained to me .


    Yeah thats pretty much all of it sorry for the misleading title. I just want someone to tell me A. What the fuck it is, B. Why the fuck people are bugging out , C. Does anyone want to explain it to me like I am a 4 year child, and D. Just tell me what the fuck its about ! Seriously if you tell me it's awesome so good or any variation  of praise of the story without hitting any of the plot points I will punch you in the dirty hooker mouth.... ZOMBIE POST IS IN THE WORKS AND ITS GONNA BE AWESOME!!!!!


* Plug city - Yo so I got these Quaker Oats Whole Grain Squares cereal and it is straight hot fire. So good  pour some milk on them have your self a wholesome breakfast.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Why not us ? One Year Later and the Phantom is ready to take over the world one computer screen at a time... Seriously those are our stats. Get on our shit people !

                          

     How does one get to sponsor an event or start up something? I mean like what do I have to do to get some recognition over here? Look we write pretty good shit over here and I am getting well jealous that  this site which I do for free I get nothing cool in return except for lying to girls on the train ride into the city and say I am sports writer for a satellite division of SNY. Never works I guess no one cares about SNY anymore. But besides me striking out  I want to get this site some more views so that people who has shit to give me for free. Fuck man I just want free shit I think I have made that point clear and blogging is not as sexy as those guys over at Barstool make it out to be with that Blackout stuff.

  I know I need money and lets hypothetically say I win the lotto and get like 200 million dollars. Which after taxes should be around 180 something Million just enough to get by and still put on some crazy ass shit all in the name of the Phantom?

Where to start?
    1. Instead of Blackout party night ... regret breakfast mornings. We will go around following the Barstool blackout tour and We will set up in a parking lot across the street and make  Pancakes ,eggs, bacon, some O.J and have a shit ton of tylenol on hand for all the headaches. I know this seems like that the lamest idea every but it's fucking gold. Look we charge like $20 a head people come in eat "sober up" a bit because it's an 18+ dance party. We make enough to cover gas, food , Tylenol and we play extremely soft music ( like easy listen stuff Stevie Wonder , Sam Cooke, Jackie Wilson, and Marvin Gaye you know stuff you hear at the doctors office to put you at ease before you get manhandled by a doctor) so people can just sit and eat in silence... How many people going to these Blackout Parties now what Barstool is ?
     Really what is the difference between us and Barstool ? Besides an office , employees, billions page views, fans that make signs and get on t.v, hot chicks sending photos in everyday, getting free shit and having their shit swiped by media spots. But besides all that we are pretty much the same. I feel that if you put the Barstool staff up against the Phantom staff... they'd crush us because they get paid but if we had a site v. site football or softball game we'd  win because well most of those guys are ringers because like 3 people write for this site.  Who wants to see that a Barstool V. Phantom show down it would be like David V. Goliath  or when Lebron took on Durant in flag football inside of  a stadium. Mayhem and Page views thats whats its about ... This got way out of hand. I'll move on

  2.A sports/etc trivia night. Actually that seems like a really cool idea... that I am pretty sure I ripped off the idea some where but if a sports blog never had the ambition to try a trivia night whats the point of writing about sports just be a hipster douche and talk about skinny jeans and protesting your student loans( maybe if you got a degree in I don't know a real subject like accounting or learned a trade you would be useful to society instead of a joke)... I am serious fuck all that smart people bull shit about politics and that other shit that we should know but don't because sports are so much cooler. It will be pretty cool right? I mean we get some bar to host the thing we charge by the team like what $10 or $15. The people order drinks, food , drinks and drinks have a great time answering questions for a points total... do I really have to explain how a trivia night works to you right?  Each round will be like 10 questions each question will be worth a certain number of points  best teams move on until a winner is crowned. I guess they would get bar money or what ever I just made up the idea like 5 minutes ago give me a break. OOOOH maybe we can get hot girls to hand us the trivia cards.



3. Since we know a few bands from our home town we get big lo' show going. Granted I have no clue how this would even help us out since it would pretty much be the people we know going to this show but we can market in a way that people might want to see it. Plus the bands we know are really good a their craft. I am actually gonna give them some shout outs right now. they keep changing their name but right now they are called the Masters of Splash , The Pandemics , The Boogie Brains , Death Becomes Her and a bunch others who I can't really remember right now because I am getting tired. But check out these bands because they are pretty awesome if you don't you just a fucking nerd. Though it will be tough trying to get a place for all of these guys to play in and a day that they are all free to play because I know  The Masters of Splash are burning down the Studio right now, The Pandemics are going on tour soon, M.D should know what The Boogie Brains are doing and , and DBH have their stuff on Itunes and Its at best buy so buy it now! And check them out on Youtube they are all over the place... Yeah I know I put a picture of Taylor Swift here. I wish I knew her because if this actually happened this is how we would rake. Plus I would know Taylor Swift and with my wit and good looks she would be helpless against my  charms.

4.  This will be the final Idea because I am tired and I just finished watching the re play of South Park. I guess we could start like a weekly video thing  hitting on some quick sports, movie, music and blah blah blah .  Since we have a hypothetical ass load of cash I could finally put together that show I mentioned about last year. The one where I go around to tail gates and talk to the people about how fun it is to get blasted in the day time during the summer.

  I feel that there is only one of these ideas that will be close to being a real thing. But I highly doubt it will happen unless we unexpectedly get super crazy popular. Which can happen because I have faith?   Fuck it I have to pee and I gotta wake up early to do some family things.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Everything is terrible part ...Well lets see I guess part 99

   Hey guys sorry I haven't delighted you eyes with my amazing words/ word play for the past couple of days.  Because you see with the holiday that just past and the season finale of The Walking Dead I have just been in a comatose state. How crazy was both things I just mentioned. The only thing I have to say about St. Patricks day is that as much as I try to avoid it and I tried so hard to avoid this . I turned out to be Ted Mosby... Architect . With the Walking Dead just fire thats all I can say about this season. Fire all around  just everything about this season was incredible. Everyone who got killed , with that bombshell and all those walkers just getting iced like gangbusters and the ending was just the cherry on top of a zombie sundae  with all the fix-ins.... Yeah Lets just say I was thoroughly pleased with what I saw.


   But since this is a sports blog and since we still mainly talk about sports. I guess I can try to muster some stuff up to get your fill of the Phantom today. Lets see , The Knicks are good again for now. After they fired Mike D' Antoni and gave the keys for now to Mike Woodson there has been no hotter team in the East. Lets face it D'Antoni's system was killing Melo and A'mare.  But with Woodson taking the  helm slowing the team down so that   Melo  can get settled into a good shooting stance (which Melo looks like a brand new man with out Mustache Mike on his shit)  and crushing it on defense has had everyone here talking about the playoffs once again.  I just wish that the Knicks could play this motivated and survive until the playoffs. But  if the Knicks can roll out a few more wins maybe against a good team like the Heat or Celtics I will feel more comfortable with them in the hunt for the playoffs. I feel bad for Woodson though. No matter how good he makes this team there is no way in hell is he staying the head coach after this season. Head Coach of the Knicks is way to big of a job for the guy who used to coach the Atlanta Hawks. I am pretty sure the Knicks are going to move heaven and earth to sign up a guy like Phil Jackson. Actually they are going to burn down L.A to sign Phil jackson.


   I honestly can not believe how hard the Broncos fucked Tim Tebow.  Even with the news today about how they have traded him to the Jets but that might fall apart because of how stupid the Broncos were when they drafted him and gave him a shit ton of money to only play like 9 games. Now don't get me wrong I like Tim Tebow I think he is a great athlete and a good person but If he does come to the Jets he will be on College Gameday with in two years. It's a career killing move for him and its sad because thats where the quarter back position is going, he is the prototype that guys like Cam Newtown, RG3 and countless others are going to be. He gets so much shit from the press for playing the game hard and his way that really you feel that he is not as good as the wins prove he is. Yes you can say the kicker and defense won those games but really it was a team thing. except of the Buffalo game he never was the real cause of the Broncos to lose. Also how can anyone think John Elway is a man of integrity anymore? He tells the press right after the Broncos defense gets bitch slapped by the Pats that Tebow is his guy next year and then they spend the whole start of the offseason trying and getting Peyton Manning all because John Elway was once 35 ? Thats nice, I was once 15 but you don't see me going out there and trying to pick up 15 year old girls because I know what 15 is like. No thats fucking creepy and completely ridiculous. John Elway is a bold face liar and I hope for Peyton Manning sake it works out and Tebow just kills them when he is doing pre games ." Aw shucks Phil I sure do hate that John Elway dick bag, by golly gee willickers . By the Way I am banging every attractive woman that crosses my path because Thats what Tabooing actually means. "  I don't know where I was going on that whole I was 15 shit but I hope you understand that John Elway is a douche bag who always hated Tim Tebow. Thats why he pretty much protested the Broncos who asked him to be the GM when the year they drafted him and when Tebow started to play in real games he took over real fast and tried his hardest to get rid of this kid who's only real crime is that no one ever told him how to throw a football the cookie cutter way.

   Two weeks away. I can't wait just two little weeks away and the way days have been flying by since last May it should be here in no time and I am getting pumped. the Mets are kinda tickling me in all the right ways. Yes that sentence just happened , But Johan Santana is coming back strong...re then the last year and a half. Look We don't need him to win 20 games this year , we just need him to move Mike Pelfrey down to the #4 or 5 spot because well lets face it the Big Lick is really just not doing that great at the 3+ spot. Also lets give a quick whats up to eye injuries this spring training. I know there has only been two but thats like a 200% increase since 1986 when 3 kidney Joe became One eyed Pete in the span of an afternoon. Both players are made up I am just trying to make a point. But this injury has two sides of  seriousness to it. Like A.J Burrnett bunted and took one in the peeper and is out for 8 weeks and we all laughed and had a great time laughing at him . But a few days ago Drunkie Cabrera took a bad read on a hooper at 3rd base and no one laughed at him... except for me because I used to play 3rd base and that is not how you do it pal. You don't sit back and play the hop you charge it so if it hops it hits you in the gut instead of the FACE. Moron, the Detroit Tigers defense should be a show to watch this season. Other news I am starting to hate this 30 clubs in 30 Days bullshit on the MLB network. Why can't these guys just speak the truth about teams. " I love the Twins this year." crap ,no one likes the Twins.  It's just one big hand job to blind fans into believing that their team won't suck this year ... any team in the west not named the Angels or D-backs. I want to pitch a show to MLB network and call it " What fans really think" and have it be a 30 minute show where I go around talking to random fans who know the truth . I can see the first episode and I will call it " Delusion thy name is Andy Petite " and I talk to yankees fans who can only speak in nouns.  Emmy worthy.

   Ok enough of that noise.  For some reason I am super hyped up right now I don't know what it is. It could be that I am actually excited for baseball because I did see that Johan went 6 today and that is just music to my hears or maybe I am going crazy. Either way I am pumped up. On a more personal not I am thinking about  maybe starting to train of for the "Run For you Life 5k" zombie run that is going on . LEts face it running 3.1 miles with obstacles  being chased by zombies sounds like a great time and we all know I could stand to run and drop some pounds even though I am looking pretty good with this no bad sugars kick. But I think it would be pretty fucking cool to get my run on being chased by zombies thus making me the best guy for the job if the Zombie apocalypse happens , well I mean I am pretty clever and can fix shit, cook food, I have a pretty good sense of directions , I only use side streets so I know short cuts, and lets face it the only thing holding me back is my fat ass so really if I lean up and get all juke on these undead fools I could be a valuable asset to any group.  Has anyone else thought like this once in their life ?


    Thats a good question. Have you ever thought about what you bring to the table during the Zombie apocalypse , who would you pick to be in your group of lets say 10 and what would be your go to ( location, weapon, and mode of transport  of choice) ? Oh I smell solo post on this topic. Give me you answers on the Facebook thingy that your not a fan of and lets talk zombies before baseball starts.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Just in time to fuck up my St. Patrick's Weekend. Now I gotta deal with this shit


                       


     You want to hear a funny story? About 3 days ago I started writing a post about how the Yankees might actually be a team to be respected by everyone with the moves they made in the one day of the offseason and all that bullshit. But after today the day before St. Patricks day a day where I wanted to turn off my brain watch my college teams ( I did not do well on day 2 but I am still in the hunt). Frankly I wanted to write more about Greg Oden more about the Yankees but since they went off and decided to be huge tools I figure I will take a different direction.

  The Yankees and Yankee fans have to be the stupidest collection of people in the world. Some where Gretchen Carlson is breathing a sigh of relief ... she is a frequent reader. Yes, congratulation you pin striped dumb asses.

   The Yankees started spring training  with 6 pretty solid starters fighting for the starting 6 spots of the rotation also they have about oh I don't 200 other pitchers looking to make their way to a big league debut . So instead of being happy with what they have which is a Cy Young contender, two fire ballers, an under rated ace that is in the back end of the rotation, and 2 guys who are fighting for the #5  one is a control guy who is on a come back tour and the other is a young gun who is coming back from a "dead arm" but thats because the Yankees do not know the right way to handle young pitchers all of them looking to show Boston and Toronto that it's their division and all them fools have to respect it. But just like last year the Yankees do something that makes Yankees fans so happy that they don't even realize that the Yankees are pissing away money. Granted the Yankees have money to piss away so this signing mean so little to them that it just hurts fans of other teams.

   If you haven't heard because you are deaf or maybe you just don't care as much which is ok because frankly I was mad for about 2 hours and then I realized that why should I get mad because it's a win win. Andy Pettitte came back out of retirement to fuck up the Yankees season.  Why do I think this move will fuck up the Yankees because if Pettitte sucks in Spring training the Yankees are forced to cut him thus making the brainiac Yankee fans get so mad they start writing or calling sports outlets about how unfair it is because he is a legend, why can't he be on the team, or  if he is good and he makes the team the Yankees face a tough choice of getting rid of one of those 6 pitchers, well it would be between Hughes and Garcia . If the Yankees want something out of the deal they have to trade Hughes because he has way more value the Garcia because he is younger and cost a shit ton less. So the Yankees would mortgage the future once again so they can Satisfy  the core.

   Thought it appears that as long as your name is not Bernie Williams you will always be allowed to come back to play for the Yankees. Next Year Jorge Posada and Chuck Knoblach.


   I don't like players who retire and then change their mind. I didn't like it when Farve did it  and I wasn't smart enough to know any different when Jordan did it because he  had come out with  Space Jam to let us know he was back. Actually I would be more open to the idea of players coming back from retirement if they came out with a movie in the Space Jam franchise. Andy Pettitte gets sucked down in to Toon town to play a game against some invading force that stole the powers of players that Andy Petite is friendly with , like Randy Johnson , Lance Berkman, Jim Leyritz , and The Soup Nazi guy. He could star as Andy's agents brother in law who's dream it is to be an Ice Cream man but is being forced to be an agent , the Randy Johnson character could be getting mad at camera men and hitting birds while Lance Berkman comes to terms with being called Fat Elvis , Jim Leyritz  just keeps crashing into things and spouts off catch phrases like "Oppose did you say take I though you said hit and run". How good does that movie sound? Maybe we could get R. Kelly to sing a song about flying or peeing I don't know but the brain storming has begun.  I think  we could make a lot of money Looney Toons , we can get on that Muppet flow. But then again Space jam sequel would make a bagillion dollars. It's a lot funnier or awfulier if you know that Jim Leyritz was in I think 2 hit and run accidents with in a span of a few month.

   But you know what I bet the farm that this shit works out for those fucking guys.  You know what might happen maybe M.D will talk about how Andy's been his boy since the start and how happy he is that he's back and blah blah "27 time World Series Champion New York Yankees !" Baseball Zeus I am awesome and I can spell words that are magically worth 67 points even though I put down 2 fucking tile.... Look I managed to write a M.D post. Fuck the Yankees , Evil Empire Strikes again. LETS GO BLUE JAYS !

Friday, March 16, 2012

What you think I forgot about you ? Yeah I did I am sorry

                                    

    Hey whats up friends , how have you been ? I hope all has been well. Ahh fuck it I don't really care , I bet you didn't even noticed  mother fuckers. Lets not fight with the Holiday coming up. Oh the glorious day where all are equal and we all are targets to get punched in the grill. Yes ,Men Women and children all can catch on right in the choppers and with a splash of green and a hint of mint because thats what we Irish smell like , waterfalls and spearmint and whatever point I was trying to make before... Fuck it get drunk and punch a baby.


   So in the time I have  been away some shit has gone down in the world of sports. Well, not so much shit that is like super crazy but like The NBA trade deadline , NFL free agency started and the NCAA tourney started and this year I have made up a bracket.  So lets get into it because I can almost bet you I wont write again until at least tuesday.


   NBA trade  deadline-

   Dwight Howard is going to do something that Shaq, Tracy McGrady, and Lil' Penny never could do. Stay in Orlando. Did that joke work ? I don't know what it is but I have been off all day , but whatever the best defensive player in the game has decieded  to stay home for at least one more year. Orlando pretty much jizzed themselves when he said " Fuck it I got to much shit to move in a day. So I guess I'll stick around long enough to clear out my house, put it up on the market, and wait until the Heat clear some cap space so I can bolt down the road ."  What ? You think he wants to be a Net? What are you stupid ? Why would this guy who wants to win a championship would go to a place with douchey hipsters with their Wilt Chamberlain sherseys  that they bought "ironically" but it really costs like $250 because they got it at Urban Outfitters which will be behind the hoop in the Barclay center... For Shame Hov for shame?  Howard will have so many teams drooling over him after next season. Speaking of next season, the Magic is going to break the bank so they can scoop up some talent to try to persuade Dwight to stay but I doubt it will work.  The Big five Lebron, Wade, Bosh, Howard and the surprise of the 2013 trade deadline Rondo since Boston will set their own locker room on fire trying to get rid of the guy.... Side note : I love how Espn will just Kill Lebron for "The  Decision" when it was totally their fault too. Look Lebron could have just tweeted " Hey tken my talents to MIA. Peace Love and Hand grease Cleve!" but no they went all out gave him an hour long special no other sports media market would have done that. Just create a monster and laugh at the people who are crushed by that monster.

   The Lakers traded long time Laker and current pain in the owners ass Derrick Fischer to the Rockets for  Jordan Hill and I guess some draft picks. Also they traded scrubs off the bench to Cleveland for draft picks. It's looking like the Lakers are trying to get younger which is good because they need a young point guard and I need a Metta World Peace jersey right now. KOBE hook me up bro.

  Nene was traded and all I could say was . No Not Nene.  Gerald Wallace was traded to the Nets so his careers looks like this : Bobcats(suck) Trial Blazers (suck) Nets (sucks) poor guy. He is a good player but has been buried on shitty teams that would almost let his true talent show . When he was a Bobcat he was the guy, when he was traded to Portland he faded out a little and now with the Nets he gets to play with a good point guard and two young big men who are surprisingly good but pretty much  trade bait and walking away because Kim Kardashian ruined his life. Fuck it the Nets Suck.

   NFL Free agents-
                                      

   Peyton Manning is going around the U.S and giving blue balls to all the teams who host him. He should probably make his decision next week because  most of those teams are going to blow up his phone because they were dumb ass and gave shitty players roster bonuses that kick in next week. Tenseness has basically given him the keys to the franchise and said "ride me Peyton until you die. Ride me hard" yeah like that.... What kind of link you think I was going to put there ? This is a family blog you fucking pervert.

  Mario Williams went to Buffalo. So Buffalo just got a whole lot Baffler ? Everyone is saying that this move is a franchise changing move. The Bills showed some signs of life last year with that 5-1 start but ended like most seasons ... not in the playoffs. So will adding the often injured and played in warm climate Williams be that move to finally but the Bills ahead of the Jets? Yeah most definitely the Jets are heading downward fast. Players are jumping ship and burning the bridge as they leave town. The Jets have zero pass rush , a weak and getting older offensive line, a Quarter back that would rather fuck teenagers then try to be a true leader and Rex Ryan will be on the hot seat once they get their ass handed to them by the Pats, Bills and the possible Peyton Manned Dolphins.

   Vincent Jackson surprising left San Diego for Tampa. Hold on I didn't mean surprising I meant smartly left Whales Vagina . They locked up Norv for another few years because under preforming for 68% of the season cuts it out in the AFC west. Actually it does , the AFC west is a huge embarrassment 3 teams finished 8-8 and Norv Turner still has a fucking job. I don't fucking get it I am smart, I can think out side of the box ,I know that early success against teams still finding their rhythm means more then late success when your pretty much out of the running and no NFL team will hire me, the fuck  . V-Jax joins a young team that is spending that cash to improve where they fell short last season.  New Coach, new players , new  philosphy Tampa 12-4.
 
  Reggie Wayne stays in Indy because he knows who is going to get all the passes next season. But his buddy Pierre Garçon is the first of many over paid free agents to sign with the Redskins.

     Oh yeah Drew Brees is crying because the Saints put the Franchise tag on his bitch ass instead of them breaking the bank on signing him up. I love how everything is falling apart for the Saints in the wake of this bounty story. It makes me feel all tingly inside beautiful. Fuck the Saints , Fuck Drew Brees enjoy second place with your weak as shit defense and you over rated offense.


March Madness-

  So I am not a huge College sports fan... At all frankly I think College sports are terrible. I get these guys are trying to be pros and all that shit but really it's a fucking joke. These guys go out make millions for these D-1 schools in tuition because they are so good that other people would go to that school , and in merchandise and these kids see dick, literally. So I figure why should I help these schools take advantage of these kids when the best players will just make the other players look like children out there.

   But my friend and teammate Bk got on my case about doing a bracket for this years tourney. I fought him for like a 4 days and when I saw him at work he showed me the bracket and told me that math is not involved and all I would have to do was pick winners. Which heads up thats where I make my money? I have successfully picked the winner in every pool /bracket/and bullshit conversation 9 times out of 10 as long as my nemesis math doesn't get involved I am gold . I was 3 of 4 with the play Ins , Fucking UConn screwed me but Louisville and Murray St came through for me , I am pissed I picked Syracuse to get to the Final 4 since they looked like shit out there against Asheville and HOLY SHIT I, AM COLLEGE SPORTS I FUCKING HATE YOU BK !   Fuck this I am going to bed I got to get my rest for the Big day coming up.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Football On a Sunday Unheard of ... Or in March whatever It was like 2am and then it was 4 where did the time go

                                         

     I am surprised that I had anything left in the tank after writing about how Hulk Hogan's 3 inch python ran wild on some club slut but I am pulling my self together for you guys because thats the type of guy I am I give you the visual of Hulk Hogan getting a blowie and Hulking up by the climax. But when you think you have nothing left in the tank something happens to just fill you up with such energy like a free Shell $500 gas card ( hint-de hint hint ). But there has been some movings done in the NFL that has reenergized  me ( What a solid plug right there that warrants a $300 gas card).



    Where to start, I guess I should start at the epicenter of every move except for one that was made this week. Peyton Manning was released by the Colts today and every owner with a shitty quarterback started to drool over the possibility of signing the future Hall of Famer   to get behind center of their shitty ass team so they could have a chance of making a go of it  to the Super Bowl.  But who really hod the cards on this one? Is it the owners who will fork over a so much money for a 36 year old quarterback who just missed a full season  after having 4 neck surgeries or is it the afore mentioned Peyton Manning description... Well, guess what it's Peyton. He can basically change the entire make up of a franchise for maybe 3 years.  Manning will basically take over the entire office thus making the head coach a glorified defensive coordinators. Some of the suitors that came out in the forefront were the Dolphins, Jets, Broncos,Redskins, Cardinals,Chiefs, Titans,Texans and Seahawks.  But who will sign him , Oh I don't know all we know right now is that it's not  the Jets or the Redskins , the Broncos are acting super desperate , The Seahawks are kind of a  joke because it's always shitty out there and dude has played 8 games in a dome since college so having the opportunity to play for Cheatin Pete is really not that golden of a ticket, I doubt he is going to the Titans or the Texans because they have their quarterbacks they want... in limited time Jake Locker showed he is just about ready to play some hard nosed southern style football ...with dipping sauce and the Texans need to keep Matt Schaub off the injury list so they need to focus on building up that offensive line and getting a few guys on defense to have them stay strong on both sides of the ball, The Chiefs don't have the offensive weapons or the money to swing that check around, Peyton has just said he wont go to D.C of New York so they are out of it , so really its just between the Broncos Cards and Fins.  the Dolphins need a new Dan Marino but have zero real weapons ,  same with the Broncos do you really think Willis McGahee could put up another 1,000 yard season or Drays Thomas and Eric Decker are real wide outs ? The best place for Peyton like I said before is AZ. Think about it Peyton Manning throwing to Larry Fitzgerald , Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark come there on a discount since Clark got hurt all year and Wayne did eel last year. I also do like how I was the first one to start this Peyton to AZ hype. Yo do  you think the owner of the  Cardinals is a reader ? If so  and you sign Peyton I want a first class experience. I want to sit in John MCcain's box so I can hit on his daughter Meghan. Yeah buddy! Thats a whole different post. I'll just say I don't give a shit about her politics or what ever fame whores she might hang out with I just find her attractive.We can talk about what it's like to have a big C and a little c in our last names (it's tough out there) and other shit I guess I mean I don't bring too much to the table except my genius brain and craved from marble body. Also I don't mind being a kept man... Like Nick Cannon , burn take that you hugging bastard... Get well I am serious it's no fun making fun of a guy who is sick.



    On a more serious note the Giants cut ties with Brandon Jacobs. He almost revolutionized the running back position. Almost , the big back was looking like the first of many huge running    backs that were supposed to fuck up any defense. Sadly he had a few injuries that slowed down his career but he does hold the Giants rushing touchdown record with 56 touchdowns. I like Jacobs, I thought he was a good fit for the Giants. He would crash the line and move the chains but once other teams found out that if they tried going above the belt on him was pretty fucking useless since he would just truck any bitch ass defensive back who thought they can take the big man down. But he'll move on I know that he wont go to the Jets because I don't think he likes Rex Ryan or Dallas  he might go to Washington because Daniel Schinder  spends money like a Cee Lo's daughter.... I am being told that she was on some show but I made that joke because Cee Lo has madd swag and a ton of 7up.  Oh yeah how much fucking swag does teenaged Cee Lo have in this video he is like Steve Weatherford ... Swag for days.

     On a less serious note the Jets have thrown away the next 4 years or so down the drain. Once they found out they had no chance in getting Peyton they had such a burning feeling in their pocket they decided to give Mark Sanchez more money. He might "work hard" and do other things well like bang out 18 year olds but he is a terrible quarterback and was exposed as such last season.  The Jets need a whole lotta  work before they could even think of contending again. By the way Jets fans Eli owns Revis Island he has a Cruz ship go past it every so often to show it his two super bowl rings . Boom Roasted !


   Last thing before I go do some more productive shit. I am thrilled to See my dude Johan Santana back up and bulldogging his way back to the Mets it shows that there could be something good about this season. Also everyone get off J.R Smith's shit. The Knicks are going through a rough streak where they seem to have everyone hating on them that once said " The are the best team in the East". But this shit about J.R. Smith and his twitter which I follow because he is now a New York Knick and since he tried to honor me with that sick hair cut where it was parted half away up his scalp. Only I could pull that style off and I gave up on that a year ago so just ball kid. I still have faith that you are going to be our sniper off the bench. I figure D'antoni should give Lin a breather try to work in Douglas a little bit so that Lin , Melo, and Fields can try to figure out why Landry just vanishes whenever they are all out on the court together. Or wait it out and when they fire Mustache Mike just go all out for who ever the new coach is . All I am saying is don't let them grind you down. Haters gonna hate and Players gonna play. But yo I would have taken picture of dat ass too. Fuck the douche who fines people.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Possible title for Hulk Hogan's sex Tape : 3 inch Python Running Wild on some Hulkaslutiac ...Working title


   I am shocked really. I am shaken to my core everything that I hold dear has been destroyed.  My childhood gone , innocence gone , just my perspective on life is turned upside down. See I was going to write a nice little recap of the whole Peyton Manning press conference or how everyone is losing their shit about Kobe, his stupid mask and how no one is making R. Kelly jokes about it  and shit like that but no I can't even comprehend what I heard yesterday. Earth shattering, soul shacking and overall gross.

   Hulk Hogan has a sex tape that is going to hit the world soon.  Ok lets not pretend like we all don't want to see it. I mean yeah it's fucking gross that a dude who is like 60 and has the hue of and Oscar Meyer wiener has a tape where he is railing on some random slut. Don't worry the wrestle references are coming soon.  There are some porn distributers are fighting for the rights of the tape like a sleazy and crab infected Royale Rumble. The Huckster has said that he doesn't remember who the woman was in the tape but thats because after his divorce he hit the club scene and banged out as many sloots as he could wrassel  up until he got married to some huge boob copy of his ex wife. Dude has a type what can I say. Who would be interested in this , who'd buy it? Another thing I hate this term leaked, like it wasn't meant to come out to burn our faces off like the ark .  Hulk is gonna have a wave of popularity for like a month until the video gets sold , maybe he'll get another show out of this. I just hope that the shows plot doesn't involve him creepily stalking his daughter. I mean his new wife looks like his daughter aged 30 years and left in the dryer for too long. Like I said before dude has a type. 

   Now its time for the wrestling references and lose of viewers due to grossness.
    I hope what ever company wins the rights goes all out for this. I am talking intro themes titan tron  videos, maybe through in some side interviews where Hulk gets all crazy and says something like " What you gonna do brothur  when Hulkamania runs wild on your vagina when my 3 inch wrinkly python gets its kick of boner pills  and comes hard on you brother! " .I could just see the chick giving Hulk a few playfully slaps and his eyes bug out because he is so excited with ... I guess Hulkamania starts working her over then gives her an irish whip follow up with the big boot getting hyping up the crowd with the whole ear thing and then hitting the Big Leg for the 123. By 123 I mean railing the shit out of this club slut. I hate to be a bastard by saying  club  slut because that is a negative term but you have to think what self respecting woman would willingly video tape her getting railed by Shep Ramsey? The dude is a card carrying member of the AARP when his stupid reality t.v show. You think him and Nasty Boy Brian Knobbs picked up some FSU sorority girls and had a tornado  tag match. Boogh I just threw up a lot. Who do you think is gonna have the most camera time because that would drastically effect sales. Oh wait I just thought of something what happens if the women is one of those Island of Dr. Moreau monsters that live in South Beach ... since he lives in Florida I don't know if you got that from the FSU slam before.  So just imagine two aging meat sacks in orange spray painted plastic  wrap just jamming into each other with joints popping in and out of place and the sound of old people boning .  But how crazy is it that Hulk could remember the lady he gave the little python to.  He just went on a tailspin of tail, word play, I want to know if you're a women is an  over sized oompaloompa attractive ? There are just so many questions I want to hear answers to. But seriously I will buy this dvd and display it proudly to my zero friends I will have after I buy it if I am a real American is the back round music. Its perfect for porn.  Low and slow to start and then boom Rock 'n roll. Hell even his NWO music will work just as well too. This has so much potential.   


   How much do you want to bet that this photo for the Hulk owning Warrior here has been the most searched image on Google in the past 3 days. I honestly just made my self sick. I think I might become a monk because of that visual. Seriously think about it ...Think about it , with the long bleached blonde halved head of hair flopping around, him  just laying the pipe to this woman who we later find out is either 45 years he's junior or just about your moms age . Let me leave you with one last thought. Brother you can't hide from those 24 inch pythons, with the power of the Hulka maniacs he is going to  fuck your mom. Also if you watch all the clips I put in of his old school promos it's kinda eerie because you could kinda say "yeah a sex tape was definitely coming. I am surprised it has taken this long ." Especially the one where he is talking about Macho Man Randy Savage. Also just imagine having the eyes of the Hulkster  glaring into your soul as he bangs out you Mom or little sister. Oh I have to stop this is getting way out of hand.  This whole thing is messy and sloppy its basically the written equivalent of two bags of aging meat covered in orange spray painted plastic  wrap flopping around moaning and well you know...  I need to take a shower and scrub my eyes. There are some odd photos on Google Images.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

A google Image top 10 . I was so close to being on a roll

                                

   So this will probably the most visual and most hair brain I have had in a long time but I have been kicking this idea around in my head for maybe a few days.

    Top 10 Athletes Photoshopped Google Images.  Do you know when you type in a certain players name there is one of those Mocked up people magazine covers that says "I'm Gay" because that how you take em' down a peg for being good at their craft.  
                                            

10. Eli Manning as Napoleon Dynamite - If you never typed in Eli Manning drunk face in to Google you might not recognize when Eli was at Ole Miss and before he won 2 Super Bowls. I think I might of put up the original but basically Boss is drunk and he is with some blonde rando at a house party. This one is pretty solid.
                                       

9. Dirk And Lebron as some sort of Lord of the Rings rip-Yeah I never had 9 hours to waste to watch any of the LOTR saga and I don't really plan on it but any time you cannot use drunk or crazy eye Dirk is always a  nice surprise.   By the Way I want to meet Dirk because I feel like he is the Hans Gruber of bros.
                                      

8. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa - The two guys who revived baseball with a prescription for "cough cough " not steroids. I just have to say when this ride was going on I was invested 100% I stayed up late when Big Mac cracked 62.  It's what baseball wanted and what it needed too ? Batman could say it better. No one was super pumped when that dickhole Mitchell ruined our childhood but we all knew.
                                               

7. Pedro V. Godzilla - This was during the 2009 World Series when Matsui went ham on the Philadildos . As you can see its pretty real when Godzilla is holding down the first base bag. I am guessing  Godzilla is resting in the costal plates before rising again to wreak havoc on  pitchers in the American league.
                                          

6. Ned Flanders as the Broncos starting Q.B - How perfect is this ? I mean the preachy God Loving Lefty Tim Tebow as dressed up as the Preachy God Loving lefty Ned Flanders. Wait flip that but  Tommy Turbo here loves God. I wish I could expand on how this is a perfect match up but I am mad at Timmy here cause he is making moves on my girl T-Swift so I am trying to hold back and not rip this guy apart.
                                           
5.  Lebron James as the Most interesting man in the world - Funny thing is he is not that interesting he is just really good at basketball and other sports. Dude is an athlete but not a champion. I wish  I came up with this idea last year because Lebron is killing it this year so it's kinda of a classless thing because when you think of Classy you think of the Phantom Ballplayer.
                                                
4. Brett Farve in Loverboy I think - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. I wish he was still relevant because this is almost perfect. Captain Dick pick over here has been out of the public eye until some reporter found him on his farm which I think he grows Lima beans or squash I honestly don't know and asked about the Saints Bounty. But he has not been seen since we found out that he can read and talk at the same time thus ruining his career as the Terry Bradshaw of Espn.  I bet there was a show ready to go when he called it with him and Ed Werder   called Brett N' Ed where you watch Ed gives Brett a verbal blow job the whole episode.
                               

3. Michael Jordan as Jeremy Lin - I saw this on Barstool a few weeks ago and balled so hard mother fuckers thought I was crazy. This was when Insanity was still strong while the racism was hidden so blatantly and everybody was doing the whole "me Chinese me play joke me put down 38 while Kobe choke"  ... Times where good
                                         
2. Danica Patrick winning - Who ever did this is quite possibly the cruelest yet funniest person in the world. This can't  real it can't be she is a terrible driver , she crashed within like 3 turns at the Daytona 500 and that is just a left . Well it was "raining"... can you believe that is the excuse they gave her, you know what happens if I spin out and hit a few cars in the rain. I lose a shit ton of money and go to jail for reckless driving oh and since I don't have health insurance I have to die. You happy Danica Patrick I have to die... I am just jealous of lil Danica because I am a good driver and no one has given me a million dollar contract to drive and I do look good in a swim suit so really I have no reason to hate on Danica except she calls her self an athlete which is a joke.
                                 
1. Josh Hamilton as Tryone Biggums - So true So true.