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Thursday, June 28, 2012

Me Vs The Olympics : probably just as interesting as the Olympics (Spoiler alert Its' not that good)



  For some unknown reason the Olympics are coming back this summer and it's going to be in all places London. Now while I do have the upmost respect for all the competitors that have had they personal lives sacrificed by their parents I do not consider most of the events in the Olympics sports.  How the fuck is power walking considered a sport yet Football isn't even thought of ? Or  no matter what they call it ping pong is not really a sport. So since the IOC is all about fringe sports I feel it's my duty as a human and a somewhat athlete to suggest some sports so that the Olympics will be watched by the general public instead of soccer moms , meth addicts, coma patients , and Assholes who think they are better then everyone else because they bought roots jackets on sale at DICK'S.


  Suggestion #1 

1. Beer Pong, Flip Cup, Etc basically Beerfest  : Look we all have seen that movie and we all have tried one night to get all your buddies and as many girls in your house while your family is away on a trip to your aunts and uncles condo in West Palm beach. But It failed miserably because of 3 reasons : Funding, how much time should the events take and really not enough hot girls to motivate shit talking ( lets face it if it's just you and your bros all you talk about is sports and past times, but when girls are there the only words that are spoken are these vulgar phrases that would make Larry Flint say chill)or maybe buying the wrong type of Red cups lets face it when you're stumbling through the super market after having a few dinner beers your just grabbing the first red cup you see.  Also you don't want to be the dick who sets the fucking rules even though it your house you pretty much just say "Whatever works " but since the IOC loves making rules and shit like that they can be the nerd who sets rules how many cups in play, if its timed, if you make rules after every shot or round win , you know the Un fun shit of drinking irresponsibly.  Think about it 

Suggestion #2
2. Completive  Douching - Hold on let me explain. Not the summers eve type of douche thats just demeaning and a little gross. No I am talking about rounding up the hugest douche bags of every country and pitting them against each other in a series of events that are geared for douche bags. It can be a 5 layered event that goes 
1. Picking up chicks-Combatents will try to pick up 4 different types of chicks  ( Stupid Hot ones, ones that roll with 2 mother hens , the girls who wont stop talking about their recent advanced degree ,politics,or how their friends are all getting married or having kids but they are staying single because they have a plan and the toughest of them all the self aware one )  Each douche has to get the digits of each girl  in a set amount of time. But if they fail they have a chance to gain some points by lying to their bros about why they couldn't lock it up.
1a. Getting drinks from guys - Yes the ladies are douches too. So whats going to happen is jus the opposite  from the dudes. 4 types of guys are going to come up to the contestant and throw down their "game" and they will be judge on their ... well judgement. Guys like Chris Brown, Pauly  D, a Wall Street bro, and a funny, chubby, aggressively balding blogger who has a pretty awesome personality  will approach each "athlete".   

2. Dressing them selves mens and women event  - We all know the douchey  uniform. But it changes there is the Shore douche , the hipster douche, the punk douche, the intellectual douche and finally the sports douche. They will get judged on hair cuts and  sun glasses. Yeah I know it sounds really gay to have douche bags to basically have a fashion show a panel of judges  : Henry Rollins, Liam Neeson, Louis C.K , Emma Stone, Mila  Kunis  and one other female judge to  round out the panel will judge the douches on how they present them selves in public.

3. Driving in a parking lot Mens and Women event - How many spots can they steal, How many children can they almost run over, how many side view mirrors can they clip, how many texts or tweets they can send out  and how loud can they play their "music" in a given amount of time.

4. Conducting them selves in public - How  loud can they talk on their cell phones,  how many curse words they can use in a conversation about puppies ( replacing like and umm with Fucking and Shit ) , What they order and if they use instagram  to let everyone know what they are about to eat and how they treat others ( holding doors for old people, saying thank you to people who serve them ,and actually being interested in what others have to say) . This is the endurance trail. It's a marathon of douche baggary . It takes a tested Douche to complete each event with a championship level of commitment.  You see it will take the biggest douche to just only be about themselves and treat others like moving obstacles.

5. Letting them say what they personal opinion is about things - Politics , society as a whole, races, sports, books, movies , the whole sha  bang a bang


Suggestion # 3

Curling - The somewhat most popular sport of the winter olympic should be the main attraction of every Olympics no matter what season. When people think of those stupid rings they think of the event where you glide a stone down a section of a hockey rink while two people sweep in front of it or whatever . I don't fucking get  why is this a sport it's fucking point less. It's the sport of cleaning, its like if they had competitive dish washing or dusting ( I know what you'r thinking Mexico would dominate... racist) But what I don't get most of all is why this is so fucking popular what the hell is your problem this is single handily the dumbest excuse for a vacation " Oh I am on the olympic curling team" thats basically saying " Yeah, I wanted to be a teacher but my parents would only pay for law school" . Fuck I hate the Olympics fuck this . You know what my suggestion is : FUCK THE OLYMPICS just fuck 'em in their stupid face. I would say don't watch but it looks like everyone is all ready doing that.


   If the USA didn't have a basketball team the Olympics would be unwatchable. It would be like a marathon of Whitney and Chelsea Handler stand up. They are not funny so stop telling me they are changing comedy because they say penis  and the Olympics are not interesting so stop telling me they are because parents ruin their children's life because they never made it anywhere. How funny is it when the camera man show one of their competitors parents and they are this fat mess. Fucking hilarious! If you like the Olympics I have an event for you to compete in




                          

Sunday, June 24, 2012

Piss and venom part 2 ... The Empire is coming At me Bro !

                              

   Well, it happened again I a just so disappointed in the human race that it has effected my life enough that I have to start writing at 12 Fucking 30 in the Fucking morning. I am going to do some quick bullet points because A. I don't want to spend too much time on it, B. it's late and I am old and C. Fuck you I don't want to get that into it.  This is all because at the start of the week my brother told me Bruce Springsteen sold out because his song is playing with the new BK bbq spots. When its the Dire straights  so it's just been a no win situation this whole week.


Ok here we go

1. Mets and Yankees should not be rivals and the Subway series needs to stop . There I said it I might be the only one but this publicity stunt has run its course and now has just become a fucking absurdity. The only reason why they play 6 games is to because it brings in the money but here and Idea have a 4 game series when it goes day 1 Yankees stadium, Day 2 Citi   Field day 3 double header Citi  at 12:30 and then Yankees stadium at 7:15 and that is fucking  move on.  These games have no real effect on the final out come on both teams seasons because they are played so early that really these 6 games means dick to the standings.

2. I think Everyone in the world hates Skip Bayless  and the only reason why espn  has him is to make Stephen A. Smith be liked by white people, because the only thing white people hate more then a confident, well spoken, and always prepared Black guy is a white collar, elitist , douchey  white guy who has no real sports background.  Boom there it is I said it. I love Stephen A. Smith , frankly I think he is the most marketable and only good thing at Espn  that doesn't look like  Erin Andrew ( because all of those blonde reports are made in a factory some where in Bristol ) . Stephen A  is the unofficial voice of New York Sports and when he is put up against Skip on first and ten or a.K.a  random Black reporter Versus Skip Bayless. Look Stephen A. is the Shit and should have his own Late night Sports talk show where he can say things like "Le Brawn James is the King" " Carrmeelo  Anthony needs to be a winner " and " Why the Fuck is tennis on this channel , Fuck I care about white people playing on clay while there are real sports out there"

3.  I think its official but It's Ron "Metta  World Peace" Artest's world and we are all just here for the ride and I back up my claim by saying sign up for Twitter if you don't have it yet and follow that guy best free thing you can ever do with your time. He went off the other day about playing ball against his kid and how throws elbows to make his kid tougher. All in one felt swoop he takes a shot at James Harden his douchey  Mohawk beard and Child safety all at once.

4.  The only way Adam Jones is going to get some respect by the big boys is if he does crack. Fuck Josh Hamilton and his always hurt face, Adam Jones is carrying that Baltimore team and he gets like 2 seconds of love but Josh Hamilton and Ryan Braun get like a whole segment on their stats and other shit that no one cares about. Adam Jones is a 5 tool play : he can hit, run , play defense,  lead his team , and has swag for days  or what ever the real 5 tools are he has them and I bet he lays the fucking law down in Baltimore with all of those crab eating honeys down there in Maryland.  Oh yeah Let me explain to the two people who left those comments or  quotes . A your like 5 years old what are you doing on the internet , and  B. Josh Hamilton isn't a douche because he found Jesus , He is a douche because he talks about living a clean life and it seems every  off season he is letting fat girls take body shots off of him  as he pounds down 2 coors lights.  I don't have a problem with the fact he using religion as a shield. I do it all the time thats the perks of being clever .

5. Hey Female Yankee Fans , I thank you for wear the bare minimum of clothing but Derek Jeter , A-Rod and Robinson Cano will not sleep with you because they can lock it down with way hotter and classier bitches. Robby is now the golden boy of the Bronx so he might slum it with some orange spray tanned lady who has a very sexy cigarette voice when she speaks in an upward inflection. But the other two are on a whole different plane of slutistence ( Slut + existence = Slutistence) . So If I can freely quote my brother the Big Q who is now on Twitter but is just as pointless as me on there  " Bitch you anit  go no class so shut the fuck up and get your ass back to what ever hole you crawled out of"... I feel like he would say that. Actually I really wanted to say that but since I am the furtherest thing from a  sassy gay man I cannot pull off sassy. I wasn't born with the sassy gene in me I just have the "humor" gene and the  Blunt Don't give a personal fuck about your stupid kid so stop putting their fucking picture on instagram ... thats for food and boobies not babies ... I realize that this photo I put up is not a accurate depiction of Yankee fans. So Just imagine 45 pounds heavier , orange and saying something fucking stupid like  " The L.I.E always has traffic on it around 5" ... No shit you idiot its a fucking highway during rush hour. And Yes I am calling a lot of Female Yankee fans Snooki like , but frankly the way the world is going they will probably take it as a point of pride.... that's if they read this or at all.

6. Lets just call it like it is. If you haven't played soccer past the 4th grade you are lying to your self getting into the Euro Cup. Basically all these idiots are watching soccer to hit on super hot foreign girls.  Look I understand they don't understand English so really you can say anything you want and as long as you have a smile on your face and say it in a some what nice way you are gold. But yo I don't want you talking to me about how I am so un  cultured because I don't watch the Euro Cup. Like I said before if Ireland was just a tiny bit better I would try to pretend to care. But sine they are miserable I can just laugh at all these idiot white kids trying to figure it out.

7. Finally , After basketball what other sports are there in the Olympics?  I understand Track is a thing and I have mad love for the Shot put but after basketball what else is worth watching? Frankly the Olympics are just a joke because the US can dominate mens Gymnastics but we are laughable in the worlds intelligence ranking.  But I kinda feel that instead of world class "athletes" preforming in these events I feel that world leaders should be out there doing it up for their respective countries. Wouldn't you love to see someone like Barney Frank out there for the dead lift , or John Boehner  on the pommel horse, maybe Chuck Schumer  doing a power walk marathon? Obama would obviously be playing basketball... "Oh because he's black" no you fucking made up racist his out side shot is pretty much the best the White house has seen since Grover Cleveland " Zombie Rapist" and drives the lane harder then  James K. Polk " Invisible man diddler". Btw Finally the American Justice System proves it kinda works with the conviction of Jerry Sandusky. Have fun getting raped in prison coach show them how good your 3 point stance is.




  Yea So fuck you and all this I guess.   Come At me Bro.


Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Because I know you missed me and my goto move


    Sometimes we come to a point in our lives where we see commercials for food and say in public " Oh that is so gross how could anyone eat that shit" but in all reality you're thinking " dude when I am done drinking I am going to eat that thing so hard. When I am done they staff at taco bel is gonna have to call Olivia Benson and the gang because this is going to be graphic. I will basically fuck it with my entire face," don't act like you have never said it. Don't judge me because I may or may not have said this at a church function. But what ever back to the point. So they have all these commercials these days with food that looks so "bad" that I know I will  and have eaten because I am a fat drunk and I always seem to have enough money crumbled up in my pocket at the end of the night to get the item that will kill me in 5 years. So here it is a list of shit that will get you through those rough nights after you fallen in the street trying to hail a cab and forgot the curb was there.... I was going to use the picture of the Hoff drunk and eating a cheese burger but this one is so much better.


     The First thing is if you live in the New York area mainly Queens or Long Island part you have to go to Cherry Valley deli. It's a 24 hour spot that has pretty awesome sandwiches that hit that spot when you are almost so lit up that you can only say a few words. They have sandwiches called  TCS, Corona, beast and a Bacon Roll which is 10 strips of bacon on a roll . I can't even talk about it without getting an itch to order up at least $40 dollars worth of stuff.  They have a website and you can order through the website so now the only thing you have to do is remember what your name is and pay them and they will give food.  I think I am getting a Corona with a Couch ( french Fries with cheese with brown gray I think you Canadians call that pooteen  or what ever ) a bacon roll with a large soda and maybe something sweet to end it. Fuck it just check it out and get fat  for your self.

  I guess We can talk about late night fast food and when you talk about late night fast food there are only two spots that have zero fear staying open up passed 2 am. Taco Bell and White Castle  also know as the asshole breakers. No matter how good your night went if you end up at one of these joints you're morning will be terrible. By no means am I saying that the food is bad, thats not my call thats the health inspectors call and since they are still open and they seem to have that whole eccoli  thing figured out so its cool to eat there. I am just saying you're going to shit  molten lava in like 5 hours.


    I know T-bezy  has that dorittos  thing which I didn't really care for but then again I was sober and it was the day time but I bet when I have a few adult beverages that dorittos taco thing will be the greatest thing I have ever had. Though I feel if Taco Bell ever decided to start a late night delivery service I can see their stocks exploding like disney's and they will take over the globe .  Plus they would save a ton of lives. Actually I told one of the guys who works the night shift there that and I think he is in the big office now. So when you stumble inside and when your eyes finish adjusting order this : #7 with steak, Two crunchy gordita crunches, 1/2 lb beef and potato burrito, and a Code Red Mt. Dew.  I do find it funny that their slogan is or was " Think out side the bun" when you ass is normally called buns. I mean think about it.

   White Castle is a different story because there is no excuse to go to White Castle in the day time. White castle is basically the vampire or raccoon of fast food chains. If you are in White Castle when the suns out something is seriously wrong.The fact they have a  breakfast menu is laughable. But listen when the Crave hits you at 2:30 in the morning nothing hits the spot like 10 sliders with a large chocolate  milk shake game over man. But you have to go into W/C with very limited expectations for not shitting your pants by 2:45. I don't know if it's the combo of the Pickles and soggy bread or the onion pelts with the beef they use but you cannot go a full 23 hours without praying for your life as you startle your toilet. I think White Castle knows it's the last ditch effort for sustenance for people who have a choice  between " I really need to get the alcohol out" .

   If you find a Wendy's , Burger King, McDonald's , or  Kfc  open late night you know what you have to get .
Wendy's : Triple with Cheese and BBq sauce with a large Dr. Pepper with a Vanilla frosty and a minimum of 10 chicken nuggets and you dunk those Phuckers  in the frosty and enjoy your life choices

Burger King : Just get a shit ton of fries because  thats the only edible thing there.

McDonald's :  Double Quarter pounder with cheese and 20 chicken Nuggets a Large  Dr. Pepper and if you want to get a McFulry I wont be mad at you. But You get Ranch Dressing and you put a few fries and nuggets on the burger and slap some sauce on that gross mother fucker and eat.

KFC: If they have that Double down thing get 2 of them and a diet Coke because you have to watch your calories bro you don't want to die . Unlike the time me and M.D ( remember him)? Went to KFC during our break from work and put up the Mega ( gallon of soda) Jug challenge. To be on equal ground we chose A&W Root beer because it was heavier and you can't really chug root beer without vomiting. Needless to say no one won that game and the idea of a mega jug makes me shutter in fear.

   Also go to any diner and get a shit ton of pancakes because pancakes are fucking awesome. I don't know who the first person who was like " I will just mix up a whole bunch of awesome and then put it on a skillet and then flip it a few times and then I'll put syrup on it. Then when I am feeling slightly adventurous I'll throw some chocolate chips in the batter and make syrups that taste like other things and It will mainly be considered a breakfast food but  really everyone will know the deal." I think it was Paul IHop. the proprietor of Ihop.

    Look this wasn't great but I know for a fact that one night in the near future when your at the bars or club and those hunger pangs strike. Remember the wisdom I gave you here today, it will serve you well.  Hold on does Cherry Valley make Pancakes??????? HOLY FUCKING SHIT THEY DO ! Game on mother fuckers GAME FUCKING ON!
                                           

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Johan Santana tells The Cards and history to suck it





 Well, it happened after 50 years 8,020 games and 5,000 games of having heart breaking moments the Mets have their moment in the sun. Johan Santana who most people thought would not be pitching yet this season went out threw his second consecutive complete game shut out but this time it was a NO-NO. The first one in New York Mets history, out of all the great pitchers that put on the blue and orange only Santana was able to close the door and after 134 pitches he shut it so nicely.... Ok so that was my clam cool and collected intro here is the real deal. JOHAN FUCKING SANTANA  IS THE BEST PITCHER THE METS HAVE EVER HAD!!!  He is a true ace, when the Mets need a win and it's his turn on the dial he gives everything he has for his teammates. The absolute grit and determination this man has in his body has changed the young Mets into a team on the rise.

   Seriously if you haven't seen a Mets game this year you might have a fucking problem. With nothing the Mets are making a run at it and they have nothing to lose. Think about it people the Mets are playing with house money. Picked to finish close to dead last the Mets are 30-23 right now and a game or less out of first place. The starters have been electric R.A Dickey who went 9 striking out 9 today has 8 wins and should be on the All-Star team along with Santana, and Wright. Terry Collins has this team heading to the right place and that is covered in dirt and blood. This team fights every games, even when they lose they don't give away at bats. It's a new day in flushing.


   Well, Thats it really. I mean it was a great game and its great that the Mets are now going to be looked at in a better light. I am super excited on how the Mets are playing now and if they happen to miss the playoffs this year I don't want to hear all you Derek Jeter loving looking at the world through pin stripped glass  say shit because you team is crumbling at its core and we are just getting better. They should lock up Wright after this year and Ike will figure his shit out because I think Keith is just fed up with him so he is going to show him how its done.... Also this goes out to all the Mets fans = I know we have been waiting 50 years for a No hitter but they don't grow on trees here we might have to wait a few more days. So lets chill.

LETS GO METS