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Monday, July 23, 2012

Bucket List and a few Breaking Bad References , looks like shits getting real



    I never thought I'd be writing this type of post but since the Mets have got off the All Star block with enough ... gusto so I figured instead of writing my 3rd consecutive angry, pissing,moaning and just down right unassuming post I figured I'll switch it up and do something out of the norm.

   The reason I came up with this weak premiss for a post is because I got a text from my cousin Mikey who I think is a writer here but anyway he texted me and said that he saw a band and now he can cross it off his bucket list , in return I told him that was weak for a bucket list type of thing. Then I got to thinking " Why do so many people have bucket lists, What should be on My bucket list, Does Morgan Freeman and Jack Nickelson get gratuity from everyone saying they have a bucket list, 'and so on. So I got to thinking on what should be on my bucket list because I live such an exciting life style that maybe I should have a bucket list.


  All right so after much thought here it is My Bucket List



1. Go to Notre Dame university and ask the dean of admissions " Bro What the fuck I am Irish, I kinda look like a bald Jon Favreau  and I can say Notre Dame like Martin Sheen in the Departed where the fuck's my scholarship !" By the Way the Departed was the funniest film of all time

2.  Enter a room everyday for 5 months say to the people inside and say " Well nice of you to show up dipshit "

3. Make an actual Transformer  out of old soda cans and a lawn mower motor and have it go to Michael Bay's house and have it explain why the Transformer movies are  illogical.

4. Ask Morgan Freeman Whats on his bucket list and could meeting me be put on the list and Immeditaly  be taken off and then we High five and become best friends and do cool stuff together like have who has the best Batman voice or since he is the voice of Visa maybe we can go to the Super Bowl together with Michael Cane, Tim Robbins, Helen Mirian  that finless Dolphin from that movie and Stephen Hawkins ... I want to be best friends with Morgan Freeman.

5. I want to rewrite the first book of the Hunger Games and call it the Games. Seriously I am trying to read this fucking book and every God damn chapter this fucking chick is talking about how she'll never  eat when she is being hunted down and then the next page she is eating Rabbits, Beef Jerky and crackers.  How do people think she is a bad ass all she has done is eat, sleep, climb a tree and stumblely cut down a tree branch ? She isn't a bad ass she is just lucky. I have a feeling that I could probably beat everyone in the hunger games with in like 3 days. How I'll just wait till they are all a sleep and kill them then because all I have to do to hide is stay kinda still under a bush. Come on !

6.  Dunk a Basketball on Nate Robinson. What I don't got hops

7. Go to a Dodgers  game  with a sign that says " Don't you wish you still had Paul Konerko?" because someone has to do it and James Loney  is bad.

8. Have a go cart race against Danica Patrick. I don't really want to meet her I just want to win

9. Eat at a Los Pollos Hermanos 

10. Figure out what happened to the History Channel so that it never happens again. Because you if you forget to Remember History Channel your Doomed to repeat history channel.

11. Be Inducted into the Irish Baseball Hall of Fame.  Yes there is an Irish Baseball Hall of Fame its in NYC at Foley's pub. I want my jersey hung from the rafters and the whole works. You know what I will earn it, I will put forth the work necessary to attain such greatness

12. Find a real Umpaloompa. Not just a tiny person painted orange I mean a legit Umpaloompa and he can be my caddy for when I hit the links.

13. Lean how to fence so that I can challenge people to a duel

14. Become the WWE Tag team Champions of the world with a trained Circus Lion named Abe Froman .  And our main rival will be Nic Cage in a bear suit 

15. Buy a tap-out shirt and challenge a nun to a fight because thats what being tough is all about !

16. Romance January Jones for 3 years make her fall head over heals in love with me and then break her heart and when she starts to cry  say " Sky-net has been deactivated" because she is  of a fucking Robot.

17. Try that blue crystal that everyone is talking about.

18. Find the cure to hipsters

19.  Bake a loaf of bread, what I think that is a true talent and I would like  my house to smell of fresh bread instead of fresh farts.

20. Work for Wesley Snipes as his accountant because I can do a better job on my taxes then he does.

21. Go from Stadium to Stadium and go to the local bars and tell the local talent I am that teams mascot and collect my reward... Hugs and probably a lot of hand jobs

22. Help the Lakers land Dwight Howard and then have the people of L.A sign a petition to have him remake Steel ,Kazaam , and form a rap mega group with Brian Scalabrine and Eddie Curry and call it Shaq-Fu 2 and the Champs


23. Write a book called " Your Zombie invasion plan is wrong " have it only be one page and on that one page have it say " Your all going to die with in 3 minutes so just learn the thriller dance moves because that's all you're going to be able to do "... Shit there goes my best seller

24.  Find out who ever coined the phrase "YOLO" and punch them in the face and say " I just YOLO'ed all over your face"

25. Have a friend named Scooter, or have a Spanish nickname... El Taco for "The Sandwich"

26. Write M. Night Shamalan's  retirement letter... With a Twist : Its real ... He  needs to stop


And Finally the Final thing on my Bucket list is

26. Become a Ghostbuster . But not like those deep fired nerds down south with their mom's video camera walking around their local abandon Burlington Coat factory talking to themselves in the dark. But like a real Ghostbuster with the Proton pack , throw a trap , say witty things at the right time and sing Ray Parker Jr's hit song at Yuppie kids Cosby show sweater party.


                                             


  Oh yeah and marry my girl Taylor Swift.  You realize she is singing about me right ? Come on bro I am awesome its world wide news I am in the Irish Baseball Hall of Fame

Sunday, July 15, 2012

What the fuck just happened

                                    
    I am stuck here I don't know what to write about. See I could write about that shit that has busted open the dark under belly of Joe Pa and the rest of the clowns down in Happy Valley , I could write about how no one cared about the All star game after that classy display by the K.C fans at the home run derby, I can continue to talk about how fucking lame as shit the Olympics are and they know it because American cutie Hope Solo got tagged on some banned substance deal and they just gave her a good ol'' slap on the  wrist( I wanted to put that scene from Arrested Development  where Barry spanks Maggie Lizer  in court but no ) , This Jeremy LIn bullshit and Talk about how Bobby V might be the best manager for the Red Sox franchise but not Red Sox Nation.

   So since I knew that  Joe Pa was only looking out for himself even trying to dive into this mess would just make the limited readers that I have just mad at me and I only want Ryan Braun and Josh Hamilton fans to be mad at me. So Fuck Penn St! I don't want the program to get the death penalty because who does that really hurt, only the players and thats not fair to them. What I want is a 3 part Law and order SVU where Stabler comes back and realizes he was diddled by his old football coach and have him break down and everyone say " Ohhh  so thats why your bat shit crazy. That makes a lot of sense" and as the lady judge says the  verdict he is left sitting in the court room with his hand to his mouth and he says " It's never over " dun dun... and maybe take away a bunch of money and give it to victims of these crimes.


    Because of what happened in K.C the amount of pressure that is going to be put on the Mets and all New York fans is minimal. The fact that every one kind of expects New York Fans to boo the shit out of everyone so when we don't boo anyone except Boston and Philly players the world will be shocked. Oh and I plan on being there through out all of the All Star festivities.

   I can't blame Hope Solo. She took something her Dr told her to take and really I don't think it was at all performance enhancing it might have been aspirin. So instead of passing judgement I am just going to put up a photo of her looking like this. And I have pasted my 3 sentence limit on Soccer.


  Fuck Jeremy Lin. Linsanity  was a joke to begin with and now the Huston  Rockets will suck even worse. The Rockets are trying to be big players in the off season but they are just going to handicap them selves later. Besides Lin they are going after Dwight Howard who refuses to sign an extension  to anyone who's owners last name isn't Z  so they will trade off half their team and most of their 1st rounders that Isaiah gave them for T-Mac. But I feel the Knicks are doing the right thing letting Lin take his talents else where because he only played 30 games and he is not worth 30 million dollars. He turns the ball over way to much , and he works well in the shoot shoot shoot pass system that Mustache Mike had in NYC but since Mustache will probably go out to L.A so that Nash and Kobe can blaze up the West . But that's not my point Fuck Jeremy Lin and his wannabe Tim Tebow  act. I am happy with Jason Drinking like a Kidd and Raymond Felton for at least 2 years and then the Knicks Lock up Chris Paul.  Game over nerds. So the Rockets can have him I feel there hasn't been a great  Asian flavor down in Texas since the Rail Roads were built. Was that Racist , well get used to it because thats what Huston's all about  Racism and Bbq   What I don't get is why in a sport that has a salary caps and luxury taxes why don't they use moneyball ?

      Bobby V. is doing exactly what the Red Sox organization wants this year. He is clearing house and making the old stalwarts like Papi , Youk  and soon the Laser Show get so mad that they burn the bridge to Boston. I mean look at what is going on now. Youk  has been off the Red Sox for about 2 weeks hasn't said a damn thing about his time their expect a thank you to the fans who showed that bald dude some love and out of fucking no where Bobby V. opens his fucking mouth and says Youk  has been dogging it all season because of what he said back in april all because the White Sox are coming to Boston this up coming week and he wants the fans to boo Youk  which wont happen at all. I mean the cheered Damon when he came back as a Yankee so Youk as a White Sox he'll get a hero's welcome. This is all because the Red Sox brass wants to distance them self from the past. So the contract dispute with Papi is 2 months a head of schedule and when Dustin is in his rehab stint there will probably some shit coming out about Dustin punching a bat boy because he said he couldn't hit the high inside fastball or something like that. But Bobby V. is basically the face of the Red Sox Smear campaign. So next year when Benny Agbyanini is the full time Dh and Big Papi  is in Texas and Pedoria is playing second base for the Rays maybe the Red Sox nation will see that the Red Sox organization is its own rival now.




                        BAM more Hope Solo
                                                      

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

I boo you K.C ! I boo you


                          

   Something tells me that Robinson Cano  couldn't care less that the least relevant baseball city in the past 15 years booed him for 10 homer less swings since he will probably be within 3 games of the World Series. I know that the fans didn't effect Cano  because he is a true pro but it effected his dad. I know he used to play for Huston but this is different he is out their with his kid and people are just disrespecting his kid which isn't fair. These fucking clowns are upset because Robby didn't pick Billy "Double Cheese" Butler for the home run derby. Guess what K.C I love your hats but dude you are so stupid Butler is not a home run type of guy so having him change his swing to hit bombs all day would fuck his shit up for the rest of the season and the royals have a shot at 1s..(HA!)... Sorry I meant 4th place.

   But congrats on being a terrible host. Last year Zona  gave Prince the bidness  when he didn't select Justin Upton  but they stopped after he hit a bomb that made Charles Barkley say " Damn"( Barkley played for the Suns for a while so he is the most famous Zoneiean).  I don't like booing anyone frankly I think it's classless. I feel if you want to show your displeasure with a player you make up a catchy chant that will resinate with them for the rest of their life like " Looper Sucks," "Larry," " Your Mustache is offensive to the old and young alike" and "Who are you fooling Omar Vizquel  you are obviously 150 years old" but I wont boo anyone. I actually got so mad at Mets fans who booed Jason Bay when he ran his head into the wall at Citi  field. How fucking dare you the guy went all out to make a play and then after running full speed and diving into a wall he got up and threw a semi accurate strike to just miss Jay Bruce at the plate. Ok maybe I am being a bit too over dramatic but unless they have committed a crime or done something unforgivable I don't see the point in booing them. Like you can boo Ryan Braun, A-Rod, Manny, and any other steroid user or  C.J. Wilson for being a straight edge douche hole but don't boo Robby Cano  for picking a winning team because he picked fucking sluggers. Trumbo , Joey Bats, and Prince "Vegan" Fielder yes Prince Field only eat veggies which is out of this world insane. Even Billy "Double Cheese" Butler didn't want to be in the derby you can ask him if he isn't busy eating George Brett's ass.... Quickly name 3 other really good Royals not named Brett.

   Fuck you K.C for making me support a Yankee... Boo to you






P.S - I kinda look like Billy Butler